Ep16 – Suicide Prevention: Spirituality & Science

Dave is joined by his wife Catherine, a Licensed Professional Counselor to discuss suicide prevention. This episode is intended to help listeners gain information about helping their loved ones who might be suicidal, or if they themselves are struggling. Know that you are loved and are good! (This was recorded in 2014 in the wake of the suicide of Robin Williams, and remastered and edited for the podcast in light of recent public celebrity suicides.)

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Guest Post – It Only Takes One

In connection with an upcoming podcast, originally recorded with my wife Catherine for local Catholic radio in 2014, my wife mentioned this article.  The article is intended to help folks navigate the tough waters of suicide prevention in their loved ones.

By Catherine DiNuzzo of DiNuzzo Counseling

Imagine…it’s Christmas Day and your family is gathered around the dinner table. Everyone is talking and laughing. Everyone, that is, except for your sister. It has been a few months since you have seen her because she now goes to college out of state. You notice that she seems to be in her own world, disengaged from the family and disinterested in the discussion. She has cut her food into very small pieces but isn’t eating any of it, only pushing it around her plate. You also notice that she has lost a lot a weight since the last time you saw her.

Now imagine that you are out with your roommate. You realize that you haven’t seen her eat very much lately, but now that you are both out at dinner, she seems to be eating more than she normally would. Dinner is over, and as you wait for the bill, she seems anxious. She excuses herself to the bathroom, but is gone for a really long time. As you are about to get up to see if she is ok, she comes out, but refuses to look you in the eyes.

Maybe the scenario you’re imagining is your mother. She’s been distancing herself from the family. She’s alone a lot. You can’t remember the last time you heard her laugh. It feels like nothing makes her happy anymore, even the things that used to. She goes about her day doing all the things that need to be done, but she’s lost the joy that used to be so commonplace.

In all of these situations, and many others that might come to mind, there’s probably a feeling in your gut that something’s wrong. No matter how hard you try to wish it away, that interior nudge telling you that you need to say something just won’t go away. That ‘gut feeling’, or nudge, is there for a reason. So what do you do?

Unfortunately, we often do nothing. We are afraid of offending the person, afraid that it is not our place to say something. We are afraid we will say all the wrong things. So, we wait. We wait in hopeful anticipation, praying that someone else will say something. Or, we hope that maybe our loved-one will come to us and ask for help. As we fight these thoughts, the one we love and know is in need, is just waiting for one person who is not afraid to ask them…“Are you ok?”

In my counseling practice, I’m commonly approached with questions and phrases like… “I have a friend who needs counseling, but I don’t know how to approach them. Can you give me some advice on what to say?” It’s a very complicated question, with a multitude of answers. Every situation is very different. Keeping that in mind, I’d like to offer you six helpful hints that may help. (These can be adapted for different situations.) I must stress that the most dangerous thing is to say nothing at all. We cannot let our fear get in the way of reaching out to help someone in need.

6 HELPFUL HINTS

1. PRAY ABOUT IT: An important first step, because it reminds us that as we face our fears, we are not alone. The greatest fear that I hear is “I’m afraid that I’ll say all the wrong things and possibly somehow make things worse.” Whenever I speak to a client, I always start by saying a prayer and ask for the Holy Spirit to speak through me. This way, my words will be His words, and therefore, be the words that I need to say. Try it, trusting in the Holy Spirit to guide you.
2. KNOW YOUR MOTIVATION: When we reach out to a family member or friend in need, we are doing it out a love for them. This is your motivation; you are doing it because you want what is best for them, and you don’t want to see them hurting. As you talk to them about your concerns, say that you come to them with this concern out of love.
3. BE PREPARED: Before you talk to your loved-one, prepare yourself. Think about what it is that you want to say and what is it that you want them to understand. Sometimes we have so many concerns and emotions about a situation that the purpose of our conversation can get lost. I recommend picking one or two things that are your biggest concerns. Focus your effort on those areas. These should be things that are broad and should be able to include many of your smaller concerns inside the larger concern.
4. ANTICIPATE THEIR REACTION: After you voice your concern, there are a number of responses that may be involved. These responses could include, but are not limited to: denial, avoidance, fear, anger, and/or defensiveness. Some may try to change the subject, or may try to lighten the mood by using humor. The loved-one may believe that they have been hiding their feelings or actions so well that there may be an element of shock that their problem has been noticed. It is important to let them have these emotions, whatever they might be, and to not get into a debate with them. Say something like. “I understand that you feel this way. I care about you too much not to say something.” I know that it looks like you are hurting, and I want you to know that I am here to help, and that you are not alone.”
5. DON’T GIVE UP: It may take time for your loved-one to admit that they need help. Don’t give up on them. Sometimes the denial and fear is very strong, and it takes time for them to become open to help. However, don’t be discouraged. Know that even if they seem mad or are in great denial, at least now they know that someone cares and that they are not alone. They also have someone who they can talk to about their struggles. Leave the door open for them to come talk to you again, and don’t be afraid to bring it up again if you don’t see the behavior getting better or if your loved-one isn’t taking steps to change.
6. CONSULT WITH PROFESSIONALS: Sometimes situations are more than you can handle. If you have someone in your life who is suicidal (Click Here for Suicidal Warning Signs) or is in a life-threatening situation, it is important to contact a professional. If there is ever any doubt for someone’s safety, immediately call 911 or your local emergency number for help.

It only takes one. One person to step outside of their comfort zone. One moment, one question, one hand reached out to help. If you know a friend who needs help, don’t be afraid to be the one person who chooses to make a difference.

Imagine… it’s a Friday night at your local (and very busy) grocery store. There are cars going all different directions and the parking lot is crowded. The drivers seem lost in their own thoughts. As you go inside and reach for a cart, something catches your eye. It’s a little girl with her mother, standing right outside of the store on the sidewalk. With all the hustle and bustle, it’s obvious that no one else seems to have noticed this mother and daughter pair, but for some reason you stop to watch. As you watch them prepare to head to their car, you see the mother stop and look down into her purse to get her keys, and then you realize that the little girl has not stopped walking, but that she is heading straight for the busy parking lot. All alone, she walks ahead, not noticing the car coming right at her. What do you do? Without thinking, you run after the little girl and stop the traffic. You get the mom’s attention. You do whatever you need to do to save that little girl. No questions asked. It doesn’t matter what else is going on in that moment… you do whatever it takes to save her. Fast forward… now that little girl has an eating disorder, poor body image, no self- worth, a cutting problem, alcoholism and/or drug abuse, suicidal tendencies, or some other problem. Are you going to just sit there and watch, letting the traffic run into her or are you going to step in and do something to help save her?

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact me, or a local therapist in your area. My contact information is available on my website, www.DiNuzzoCounseling.com.

P.S. You are enough.

A TrueMan’s Marriage – Happy 50th Dad & Mom!

I’ve had a front row seat to one of the greatest marriages in the history of time.  Today, my parents celebrate 50 years of marriage!  A tremendous feat!  I’m extremely proud of my parents and want to publicly acknowledge their love, their sacrifice, and their unfailing commitment.  You make me better, you aid my marriage, and I am so grateful for you.

I’ve written (and moreso, spoken) about my Dad on many occasions.  He’s an amazing man, and is/was a leading example for me in my pursuit of TrueManhood.  He has tons of characteristics that I love and admire, and I wouldn’t be half the man I am today if it wasn’t for him.  Here are some of the major highlights:

• My Father loves my Mother unconditionally; everything he does is directly related to my Mother’s well-being, her concerns, her likes, her desires.  His example of how a man cherishes his wife is second to none. #awesomehusband
• My Father serves my Mother unfailingly.  For the entirety of their marriage, my Father has worked his tail off so that my Mother could have safety, security, comfort, and so that she would be able to do what she was created for. #whenamanlovesawoman
• My Father is the consumate gentleman.  As a child, the example of being a gentleman was constant from my Father.  My virtues related to being a gentleman (mostly in the area of Justice) is 100% correlated to my Father’s behavior and high standards. #gentleman
• My Father cherishes all women.  Sincerely, my Father has a heart of service towards the fairer-sex… never failing to serve a female, no matter what the need may be.  He’s always polite, always charitable, always deferent to the women he encounters.  I cannot recall, even once, when I’ve seen my Father choose himself over a woman.  He has always cherished my aunts and female cousins (there were far fewer of them than male cousins), and treated every female stranger with the utmost respect.  #womenarethecrownofcreation
• My Father is a hard worker.  Still today in his 70’s, with both knees repaired and a major back surgery, my Father does his own maintenance on his house, takes care of his vehicles himself, serves in numerous ways at his parish, helps me and my brothers, and serves on a non-profit board.  The spirit of our bluecollar family, passed down from generation to generation, comes to me from him.  #hardworker

I would also be remiss, especially on this most somber of days for America (9/11), if I didn’t mention my Father’s 30-year career serving our country as an enlisted serviceman in the United States Air Force.  30 years!  Talk about dedication.

My Mother – I certainly don’t want to leave my Mother out of the conversation… and in fact, I couldn’t talk about my Father without talking about my Mother as well.  She is a huge part of my Father’s character.  From the moment they met, my Mother has challenged my Father to be who he is.  She brings the best out of him, and holds him to the very highest of standards.  It wouldn’t be a shock to tell you that their complementarity is so perfect that they make each other more holy; the point of marriage!  The perfect way that my Mother fits my Father, and returns his love and service with more love and service, is a testament to her devotion and care for him.  They truly are the perfect spouses for one another.

Jesus had Joseph and Mary – the Holy Family.  I have Tony and Charlene – great examples of love, service, dedication, and faithfulness.  Thanks Dad and Mom – Happy Anniversary!

TrueMan up!

What My 6 Year Old Asked Siri to Show Her

I’m a huge proponent of “leading with your weakness”.  By showing those who follow you that you aren’t perfect, that you make mistakes, and that you have weaknesses, it makes you real.  It also shows people that we aren’t the sum of our failures.  So, as embarrasing as this story is, I’m going to share it because I think it will help people and may also encourage them to take the steps necessary within their own situation to prevent problems like this from occurring.

Recently, my sister-in-law and her kids moved in a few houses down.  It’s awesome having them nearby, and my kids really enjoy their cousins.  Since it’s the summertime, they’ve been playing non-stop… riding bikes, going to the swimming pool, playing at the playground, and having a grand ‘ol time.  However, with having cousins around, and additional adult supervision, our parenting has gotten a bit “loose”, we’ll say.  Boundaries have expanded, and permission an after-thought.  We have varying ages between the two families, so rules are different, especially in terms of the use of electronic devices, and access to the internet.  I knew this, and had a conversation with my two oldest children (still quite young) about not being on any devices (smartphones, iPods, tablets, laptops, etc.), even if their cousins were.  They obliged, knowing that we allow them some time on their Amazon Kindle Fire for Kids (with GREAT parental controls) a few times per week, and we went on our way.  But a few days later…

My wife got a call from her sister saying something to the effect of “the girls are busted.”  Apparently, she had walked past my niece’s bedroom and overheard my 6 year old daughter ask Siri “show me butt-naked people”.  What?!?!  She immediately went in and confescated the device and sent my daughter home to us.  (Thankfully, my sister-in-law has Covenant Eyes on all of the devices in her home, so even if she wouldn’t have heard this verbal request, she would have received the emailed report for this inappropriate search and the links to everything that was viewed.  Thank goodness she heard it immediately, and for the filter that blocked the search results!)

My daughter walked in and we could tell by her behavior that she knew she was in hot water.  I began to ask her what happened, and she started to breathe hard, fabricate a story, and struggle to really get any words out.  My wife and I had details from her sister, so we would know if she was lying or telling the truth.  I didn’t want to pressure her, so we had her go into her room, telling her that we’d call her out in a short while.  My wife and I had a powwow to figure out how we were going to respond.  Here’s what we decided to do:

1. Ask our daughter to tell us the whole truth.  We wanted to know what happened at Auntie’s house in her cousin’s room.
2. If she told the truth, she would still receive a punishment (for disobeying the original rule of “no devices”), but we would praise her for telling the truth and move on to discuss what she saw/did.  If she told a lie and fabricated a story, the consequences of her actions would be much more severe.
3. Make it clear to her that we love her.
4. Explain the concept of pornography with the help of a great resource called “Good Pictures, Bad Pictures.”  (We read and discussed chapter 1.)
5. Teach her that the human body is a good thing, and that God made it beautiful.  In addition, there are private parts and they are private for a reason.  (FYI – private parts are those areas that we cover with swimming suits.)
6. Teach her that being curious, about a lot of things, is okay and normal, but that she needs to talk to Daddy and Mommy, not ask Siri!
7. Set the punishment for disobeying the original rule.  (She lost her prized stuffed animals – a devastating loss for her.)
8. Tighten the rules, house-wide.
9. Explain our rules to the aunt/cousins so that the temptation to have our children break the rules would be lessened.  (2 rules to remember: 1. our property and 2. no devices.  They’re all still very little, so we want to keep rules easily understood and achievable.)
10. Hug our daughter and tell her that we love her.

We also followed up on this topic and discussion additional times over the weekend, and will take the conversation further from now on.

Some might be astonished that my young daughter was looking up porn on a wi-fi enabled device, but they shouldn’t be.  Kids have more access to porn and other terrible things than some people want to admit.  Their minds are curious and based on their exposure, whatever kind of media, influence, or consumption it might be, their knowledge of what to search or ask about varies.  I’m still not really sure what spurred on this particular “ask Siri” search, but my best guess is that it came from an interest in mermaids.

Here’s what I know:

• I gave my daughter too much leeway and trusted her just a little too much.  She’s tempted just like any other kid (or human, in general.)
• My daughter isn’t bad, evil, or sinful, but realistically curious and inquisitive.  This means that I need to pay much more attention to her than I was, and be sure to teach her in a pro-active way, not a retro-active way.
• My wife and I teamed up well with our approach, were on the same page, were calm and clear, and followed-through like we needed to.
• I’m really grateful for Covenant Eyes on our devices and for the functionality and ease-of-use.

If you’re a parent, you cannot disregard this topic.  None of us can.  Every child is susceptible to the dangers of the internet, and the easy access points that are made available to them.  Whether it be their own devices in your home, a friend’s device, or a school or library computer, the temptation to “ask Siri”, or “just Google it” is real.  Informing our children ahead of time, and continuing to have the conversation is an absolute must!  We should be arming them with the tools to be virtuous so that when they are faced with these choices, they choose what is right and good.  Watch for more coming on this topic, and please take advantage of the 60-day free trial that Covenant Eyes is offering through my affiliate, good through August 31.  Click HERE for the free trial.

TrueMan up!

TrueManhood More Realistic with the Help of Good Women

I’m striving for TrueManhood.  TrueManhood is what all men are called to, a life of virtue as an imitation of Jesus Christ, the TrueMan.  It is the most fulfilling life a man can live.  I strive, but I am far from perfect.  I fail to live up to TrueManhood, and have a long road towards virtuous living.  This lifestyle is difficult, but it is realistic, and it is achievable.  To my point, TrueManhood is much more realistic with the help of good women.

This is my Mother’s Day post for 2014.  It has been interesting, for me, as I became a father and my children grow older, the shift that has taken place surrounding Mother’s Day.  The focus of Mother’s Day, for husbands of mothers of small children, is no longer on their own mother (although we are still grateful and appreciative – Happy Mother’s Day Mom!) but rather is derived from the family’s appreciation and admiration, thanksgiving for, and efforts of “Mommy.”  This focus, it seems to me, is led heavily by those things specifically from the father’s point of view.  The small children aren’t necessarily capable of intentionally creating, buying, or delivering thoughtful, sentimental, meaningful gifts or performing acts of gratitude, so the responsibility lands on that of the father.

I am notorious for getting the wrong gift, things my wife never asked for, indicated that she wanted, or has any use for.  (Not all of my gifts are horrible, just most of them!)  I lack originality and romance, sentimentality and thoughtfulness.  It is a crippling affliction.  This year, I’m writing this post as an attempt at a textual monument to my wife, the mother of my four beautiful children.  Words cannot begin to explain.  She is a true servant, compassionate, and tender, and incredibly thoughtful.  One of my favorite characteristics of my wife is her intentionality; everything she does has a plan and is thought out and most importantly, purposeful.  In addition to those, she is never self-centered.  She challenges me in so many good ways to raise my level of living, and I am so grateful.

Catherine – you work tirelessly to support me in my endeavors, and are relentless in the rearing of our children.  They are incredible because you make them incredible.  They are lucky little kids, having you as their mother.  I’m the lucky man that gets to call you wife, best friend, and soul mate.  Thank you for all you do for us, we can never live up to your example, but will try our hardest. 

All of these things speak to the beauty of how men and women are complementary, and that complementarity works to build both sides.  For me personally, my wife’s complementarity is the greatest way for me to achieve TrueManhood.  She assists me, as my helpmate, to refine me, challenge me, and inspire me to be the man that I so badly want to be, and the man that she and my children deserve.  Because we are so intimately connected, as one flesh through our matrimony, her life is my life, and I am all the better because of it.

A single day for our mothers is almost a slap in the face, because there are no words, no amounts of gifts or money spent on them, nor thoughtfulness that we can put into anything for our mothers or for the mothers of our children that will even begin to compare to the love, sacrifice, and total self-gift that these women give, day in and day out.  As a small token, for all the mothers out there, please accept this small gesture of thanks.

TrueMan up!

3 Most Damaging Words? – Nope

Have you seen the PSA style video “The Mask You Live In”?  It talks about boys in our culture, and stereotypes of how boys handle the stresses of growing up male, in addition to the struggles of living up to the standards the culture and peers place on them.  There are truths in the video, but I disagree with their take on “the 3 most destructive words you could say to a boy.”  Here’s the video:

The suggestion is made that telling a boy to “Be a Man” is detrimental to him.  If we’re speaking from the context of cultural manliness, then sure, I could see that.  If, however, we’re speaking from the context of authentic masculinity (ie: TrueManhood), then this is absolutely what we should be telling our boys!  We should be encouraging them, teaching them, forming them, and exemplifying for them what it means to be a man so they are able to set a goal and become what they were created to be.  A TrueMan!

We must, unequivocally, call, lead, and guide our boys into true manhood.  We must expect it, and set our boys up to meet the expectation.  If we do not, they will land somewhere on either extreme.  On the one hand, we have a “hyper-masculinity” (other negative words have been associated with this, such as “macho man or machismo”, “bravado”, “meathead”, “jock”, etc.) and on the other, we have an effeminate version of masculinity (which doesn’t even make sense), which is incredibly disordered.  In fact, both versions are a false, counterfeit version, and are incredibly disordered.

Some of the buzz words used, and my thoughts:

• “Don’t cry.”  Men, you can cry.  God wouldn’t have given us emotion and tear ducts if He didn’t want us doing it.  And oh yeah, Jesus wept.
• “Pick yourself up.”  Yes, we’re going to fall.  Pick yourself up and get back on track.
• “Respect.”  Respect is earned.  Give it, and you will likely gain it in return.
• “Proving masculinity.”  Yes, this has to happen.  This is how we grow in virtue, by proving our masculinity.  This is very different from the view the video takes, which is speaking about becoming violent or using violence to be the proof.
• “Closeness.”  This is very hard for males in our society!  It is vital, essential, critical that fathers have a closeness with their sons!  Hugs, kisses, embracing, physical closeness, as well as emotional closeness and a spiritual closeness are all so important between fathers and sons.  (Thanks Dad, for always being close when I was a kid, and now.)
• “Vulnerability.”  Our culture tells men that being vulnerable is feminine.  Vulnerability actually requires strength.
• “Hyper-masculine.”  When masculinity is distorted, it will appear to be either side of the extremes, but never what it should be.

What I don’t like about the video is that it generalizes all of the negative aspects of masculinity overall, as if there is or needs to be some redefined version of masculinity out there.  No, there are two versions of masculinity: 1. The truth. 2. The lie.  That’s why TrueManhood.com exists, to perpetuate the truth, and to help get rid of the lie.  The truth is that a man (a human being with an XY chromosomal makeup) has the God-given ability, and the responsibility, to live up to what he was created for – to live virtuously.  The lie is cultural manliness; the more power, money, sex, and stuff a male has, the more manly he is.  Let’s work together, not at the loss of the truth, but together so that the truth can be proclaimed!

TrueMan up!

Bought with a Price

I am profoundly excited to bring you a great anti-pornography resource, a revised edition of a Pastoral Letter from Bishop Paul Loverde from the Diocese of Arlington, Virginia.  This pastoral letter originally came out eight years ago, but has been reissued because of the severe and overwhelming need.  “Bought with a Price” – Every Man’s Duty to Protect Himself and His Family from a Pornographic Culture.  It includes a new foreword from anti-porn leader, Matt Fradd.

The intended re-release of this letter is March 19, 2014 – the Feast of St. Joseph, patron saint of fathers.  I highly encourage everyone to read this letter and put what you read into action.

“Today’s father must protect himself and his children from the relentless assault of an increasingly pornographic culture; moreover, mothers share this sacred task.  Every home now stands in the pathway of this attack on our children’s innocence and purity.  If we are not vigilant, our sons and daughters will pay a steep and heartrending price.” p.6

Fathers – it is critical that we work to protect ourselves and our families from the evils of pornography.  First, ourselves, and then those around us and under our care. 

In a future post, I will write on the topic of “helping parents protect their children from the internet” – a talk that I give about the harms of the internet and how to practically handle the situation.  One of the most important aspects of this topic is to have conversations with our children.  If you think that your child isn’t or won’t be affected by pornography, you are wrong.  If your children have internet accessible devices and you don’t know that they can (and probably do) access pornography, you are naïve.  How then do you handle this?  You talk about it!  And it’s never too early to talk about it… when done properly, prudently, and age-appropriately.  (Note: the average age of first exposure to pornography in America is now 8 years old and dropping rapidly!)

Do you expect your child to understand mathematics on their own, with no instruction?  What about anatomy, biology, history?  Certainly not.  The old adage, “having the sex talk” is a misnomer, implying that parents should only speak to their children one time about sex.  Simply check a box and it’s handled.  This does not work.  We should instruct our children on a properly ordered understanding of sexuality, and instruct them often.  I start imparting knowledge on the topic very early with my children… even before they can truly understand.  It sets the tone, and creates a solid foundation for them to grow upon.  As each child gets older, the topic broadens, the seriousness increases, and the formation I desire heavily to provide to my children is strengthened. 

Take the time and read this pastoral letter from Bishop Loverde, then act on it!

TrueMan up!

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