ASK AN EXPERT – BACK TO THE CATHOLIC FAITH

My latest Ask an Expert response on iibloom.com:

QUESTION: What can I do for my 20 yr old son to come back to the Catholic faith?

ANSWER: This question is on the mind of parents everywhere. There isn’t a cookie-cutter answer because your son (and everyone else’s adult child) is unique. Please realize that the answer to the question for you and your son could take years to figure out. And, you have to be able to come to grips with the fact that your son may never return to the faith. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but a reality. On a personal level, I relate closely to this topic because I put my parents, family and friends through the very same thing about 10 years ago when I was 19 years old. I’ll get to the reason why I came back to the faith, but first, let me give a few generic answers for you to consider and possibly act on. 

First off, you may not be the right person to talk to your adult child about their faith life – or lack thereof. On the other hand, you might be just the person. I recommend determining whether you think you are this person or not. Be objective, keeping in mind that, unfortunately, your adult child may not want to listen to you. Objectivity, not subjectivity, is key to making this distinction. As their parent, you want them to “get it,” but it’s not that simple. 

Secondly, there are lots of reasons why people leave the faith. However, I have never come across a person who knew that the Catholic Church was the fullness of the truth and willingly left. This isn’t to say that there’s someone out there like this, but it’s unlikely. The important thing to keep in mind here is that knowing and loving are two separate things. It is simply not enough for someone to have head-knowledge of the person of Jesus and never come into a loving relationship with Him. The loving relationship with Christ comes from a conversion, or turning away from our sinful ways, and turning towards God. Conversion may be the farthest thing in your son’s mind. You can’t make the conversion take place, but you can be like St. Augustine’s mother, St. Monica, who was relentless in her prayer, suffering, penance and example for her son. What she was successful at was knowing her role in the necessary conversion of her son, who was far worse than your son, and who became a doctor of the Church. 

Next, if his catechesis (knowledge of, understanding of and reasoning for the faith) is poor, there won’t be a compelling-enough reason to go to Mass. If his catechesis is poor, it means that Mass isn’t about receiving the Eucharist, the greatest gift God could have ever given to us, His people, but that Mass is an obligation that takes time and energy. Mass in the latter case becomes tedious and boring, something merely to check off a list and not something that is viewed as a privilege and an honor. This is the way that many “fallen away” Catholics view Mass. They were never taught the WHY, only the WHAT. The WHAT never suffices in and of itself. 

There is most likely a disconnect somewhere for him. It is quite possible that you did a lot of great things raising your son and for some personal reason, he is choosing to abandon his faith – the faith you want so badly for him to possess. It is also quite possible that he doesn’t have a foundational understanding of the WHY of our faith and therefore doesn’t believe that the faith is practical, and that emotionally it’s easier to live a godless life than to deal with all the outdated rules, for example. If we, as parents, don’t know, love and live our faith, why should we ever expect our children to? He may have gone to Catholic school all his life, or been in every CCD class your parish offered. That’s not enough because true conversion hasn’t taken place yet. 

We all need role models to emulate. There’s a man in your son’s life that is a faithful Catholic man, that “has it all,” that loves life, that cherishes his wife, that is a man’s man and that your son trusts. Depending on this man, either suggest to your son to go and speak with him, or invite the man to engage your son in conversation. I am willing to bet that in order for your son to go through the necessary steps for true conversion, that a real relationship is going to be an absolute must. This trustworthy man could be just the thing your son needs. It will take time. 

The reason I came back to the faith had nothing to do with my family, it had everything to do with joy. I was on my college campus, an anti-Catholic, Evangelical, sola-scriptura Christian. I fought with people about the faith, I pushed the faith aside and I hated Catholicism. Soon, my life turned to despair, hopelessness and was riddled with doubt. I looked around at all the people who I considered to be my friends and they all had something I wanted. They had joy, in the deepest sense of the word. Their joy caused me to rethink everything I had turned away from. I went on a long journey and through their example, returned to the vibrant faith that I now know and love. 

Keep the faith and pray that your son will have a conversion and come to understand and love the faith which we hold so dear. Blessings, Dave.

The Struggle Through Lent

Lent can be very trying.  So often, we embrace Lent early on as a way to purify ourselves from all the bad habits we have, but fail miserably at fulfilling our intentions for the entire forty days.  I notice that lots of people make Lenten devotions that are nice and good, but not specific to the things they really should be working on.  For instance, someone may need to increase prayer, but instead, they give up eating chocolate.  This is missing the point of Lent – a purification of our sinful ways towards a life in Christ.

Another problem I see pretty regularly is that we lose sight of the point of giving something up and fail to recognize what we need to include/add something to counteract the deprivation.  For instance, if you give up chocolate to improve your will power, but constantly complain about not being able to eat chocolate, you aren’t working on your will power.  Personally, I gave up music while driving.  I didn’t give it up to simply give it up, I gave it up to 1. increase my prayer life (which means I have to pray while I’m driving, instead of listening to music) and 2. experience some silence, even if it is distracted silence.

Often times, we set lofty goals for what sort of Lent we expect to experience and then get frustrated and disappointed that we aren’t as “holy” as we had hoped.  This is often referred to as “dryness.”  Sometimes it works out, but often, we fail to meet our goals.  The frustration, doubt, anger and uneasiness that comes from a “bad” Lenten experience is what the devil wants from you.  Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that you were frustrated.

So, with only a few days left for Lent 2010, you can still make your Lenten devotions strong.  If you’ve been doing poorly, you can get back on track and make a change in your life.

Man up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – Selfishness Impedes Service

My daughter has been sick for several days.  Because she is a toddler, it is difficult to really pinpoint what’s happening with her, what hurts and how to make her better.  I’ve been at a loss for exactly what to do, and although we’re trying, she doesn’t seem to be getting better.  At least not as fast I my wife and I would hope.  As I’ve been observing her and contemplating solutions to this problem, I realized something today… selfishness impedes service.  What do I mean?

When you’re in charge of someone else, and their entire well-being stems from your actions, it’s plain to see that they not only rely on you to make good decisions, but to be at their service.  This isn’t to say that I wait hand-and-foot on my children, but it means that my daughters, especially when ill, need me to be selfless in regards to them.  And, I want to be a servant-leader for my family and for the world, which requires me to continually learn how to better serve them.  I look at my life and realize (quite often) how selfish I can be.  I like what I like, the way I like it, when I like it, how I like it.  This gets in the way of my ability to truly serve my family.

Where did my selfish tendencies come from?  Besides my fallen human nature, my tendency toward selfishness stems from my past pornography use.  It made everything I do, even serving my sickly little girl, about me.  Because of this revelation, I realized that the only way to do that is to look to the cross.  I must unite my failures in life to the struggle Christ experienced on the cross so that I am purified of my tendency toward comfort, self-pleasure and ease.  My little girl needs me to be one hundred percent committed to taking care of her and if I don’t watch it, I’ll put myself before her, falling into old patterns and losing sight of the cross.  If this happens, my selfishness has won and drastically impedes my ability to serve.

I urge everyone to take a step back, especially during Holy Week, to evaluate the areas in your life (vicious behavior) that require change.  Figure out how to change those things and continue to work on them until you possess the virtue that overcomes that vice.

Man up!

What’s Coming Next?

My apologies for not posting anything the past week.  Since I don’t have sponsors, paid advertisements and/or endorsements (hint hint, wink nudge) I don’t feel too guilty.  Actually, I was out of town visiting my very elderly grandmother and some of my extended family with my wife and children, computer time was very limited. TrueManhood.com has definitely been on my mind, but not a priority because much needed time with them was taking precedence.  So, since I haven’t written anything lately, I wanted to let everyone know what they can expect in the coming days.

Depending on what I see/hear about/come across/etc. “out there” in regards to TrueManhood, I’ll be posting whatever I think is worthy of a post.  Besides those stories, you can expect something on the following topics soon:

• Struggling with Lenten devotions, the struggle of Lent (general) and the tough days during Holy Week.
• Major League Baseball, Opening Day Special
• Holy Thursday – The Vortex, “Judas Today”
• An article about “supertaskers”
• A post about an irate hockey coach.  Temper, temper.
• A Dating Article
• A Eucharistic Miracle Video
• Plenty of other great stuff!

Until the next post, keep fighting the good fight!

Man up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – A Kid Pouts, but a Man Shouldn’t

This morning, my oldest daughter woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  From her nap this afternoon, she woke up on the wrong side of the bed, again.  Nothing was right for her all day.  She didn’t want to play when playtime was suggested.  She didn’t want to eat, when meals were prepared.  She didn’t want to clean up, she didn’t want to nap, she didn’t want to play, she didn’t want to pray.  Then, to top it all off, a huge snow storm hit our region and is potentially preventing us from getting to the airport and flying to visit family – she was not happy about these details.  She reacts and her reaction is to pout, throw a tantrum and fuss.  A man shouldn’t react that way.

As a grown up (or as a “growing” up), we must realize that our reactions to tough situations should be even keeled.  More properly put, our reactions should be “ordered”.  I recently watched a program on prison inmates.  The inmates seemed pretty calm and easy to get along with while on camera, but unruly, defiant and violent when someone made them mad.  They looked like a little kid who wasn’t getting their way, and anyone in their way paid the price.  A TrueMan reacts differently.

When I was younger, my reactions to tough situations were pitiful.  As I’ve grown older with age, and as I’ve come out the other side of a really bad rage problem, it has become very clear to me that men of virtue, ie: TrueMen, don’t allow their emotions to determine how they act.  TrueMen act out of truth… with responsible reactions.  It’s a good thing to work on.

Man up!

In a World of Negativity, Think Positive

There’s a lot of junk happening lately and lots of bad stuff happening in the world.  We’ve got gigantic problems in Washington, we’re fighting a war in the Middle East where there hasn’t been peace, well, ever.  We’re constantly facing persecution for being “moral, ethical citizens”.  Babies are being destroyed for the sake of convenience and preference.  A good deal of the time, it doesn’t seem like anything is ever going to get better.

Look on the bright side, we have lots to be thankful for.  Someone, somewhere has it much, much worse than you or me.  Belly-achin’ and complainin’ about stuff isn’t going to make anything better.  Yes, there are plenty of really horrible things taking place in our world, but they shouldn’t effect our daily lives from being focused and centered on Christ.

Imagine how badly St. Paul had it… beatings, being stoned, imprisonment and so on!  (Read Philippians 2:12-18.)

Thinking positively helps us take a bad situation and turn it into something decent.  There’s serious power in the reality of the power of positive thought.  I encourage everyone to try three things over the next three days, and see if your attitude changes.

1. Refrain from complaining.
2. Find a positive side to everything.
3. Do something kind for someone else at least once a day.

After three days, after you’ve tried these three things, comment back, or email, or post on Facebook, or wherever.  I want to know what you experienced.

Man up!

Thoughts from the Men’s Conference

This past Saturday, March 20th, men’s conferences took place in numerous cities all around the country.  From comments, updates, posts and blogs that I’ve seen, it appears that most of the conferences were huge successes.  The same can be said for the men’s conference in Colorado Springs, emcee’d by my friend Sean Dalton.  The speakers (for the most part) did a pretty good job.  I’m sure that many of the men would be able to find something they would have done differently, but overall, I think it was a success.  Here’s a recap of some of my favorite parts from the conference.

Dennis Murphy, a local Licensed Professional Counselor and teacher at the local Catholic high school, gave an incredible talk on the differences between men and women.  What I liked about what he did was that he used scientific knowledge of the brain to explain the neurological, physical, emotional and spiritual differences.  There’s a clear difference between the genders, and in order for the next generation(s) of boys to become men, we must allow them (encourage them, assist them, enliven them) to embrace their masculinity.  There’s also a big role in leading them toward masculinity.  Instead of suppressing a boy’s innate desire to turn a stick into a sword, bat, gun or bazooka, we should encourage this… not so he can be violent (unless the situation warrants violence for the protection of the defenseless) but so that he can understand how to protect and defend, as God commanded Adam to do in the Garden of Eden.

Later in the day, Dr. Tim Gray gave an incredible talk on “being the first over the wall”, an ancient Roman soldier’s goal when charging an enemy fortress.  He encouraged the men in the audience to be men of action, to stop complaining and take the lead.  The Roman soldier who got over the wall first won a golden crown, for his heroism, abilities in war and his leadership.  We men have the same task, but our crown is in Heaven.  He also spoke about what St. Thomas Aquinas wrote as “effeminacy”, basically calling out every and any man in the place who chooses comfort and pleasure over doing what is right.  He lumped himself in that group, on occasion, but at the same time showed that we are all growing and changing, learning from our mistakes, and that we should be striving to put comfort and pleasure behind what we ought to do.

Other speakers included Bill & Billy Moyer, a powerful father-son duo that emphasized the power of forgiveness, leadership and goal setting.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get to hear their entire talk, although what I did hear was very good.  Check them out at their website by clicking HERE.  We also heard from Curtis Martin, founder and President of FOCUS.  His talk was short and to the point, and great, I might add.  Curtis encouraged all the men to “get up off our fat butts” and do something.  He spoke of how there’s crisis everywhere and how the crisis will only stop when someone steps up and does something about it.  He told a story of how at the end of life, we all sit before the judgement seat and will have to answer for our actions in life.  What are we doing?  Is it worthy of Heaven?  Are we sitting around complaining, and not doing?  Are we waiting around for someone to lead us?  Are we making excuses?  His encouragement to get up after we fail was great for me to hear.  Sometimes, I think that this website, my speaking engagements, my graduate studies, my crazy 60 hours per week schedule at work and all the “other” stuff I do isn’t really worth it.  That sort of mentality comes straight from the evil deceiver.  We have to keep getting up and moving forward.

I want to congratulate the Diocese of Colorado Springs, especially Christian Meert and Rob Faughnan (two friends of mine) who were integral to the conference, for a job well done.

Man up!

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