My Next 30 Years

This weekend is the last weekend of my twenties.  I’m sort of indifferent about “getting older” – on the one hand realizing that all the aches and pains, the heartburn and the receding hairline are realities and on the other, being excited to move into another chapter with my wife and children and in my professional career.

When I look back at my twenties, so many things come to mind that were instrumental in my journey to get to where I am today.  I desire so strongly to be the man that God created me to be, a TrueMan.  I’m not there yet; I’ve got much more to work on.  Considering where I was and where I am now, I’m proud of my last 30 years and I’m ready for my next thirty years.

In my twenties… I left and returned to my faith and the One, True Church instituted by Jesus.  I have been blessed by God abundantly.  I was blessed to meet and marry my best friend – God has since blessed us with three incredible children. I graduated from undergrad and graduate schools.  I changed jobs many times  - I think I had about 15 different jobs in the last 10 years.  At one point, I had only $85 in my checking account and my stuff amounted to about $500.  I was laid off twice.  I moved eight times.  I bought or sold 6 different vehicles.  I learned a ton – mostly about myself and the things that I want to change and be better with.  It hasn’t been a super smooth ride.  There have been many bumps and bruises along the way, but I find myself coming out of my twenties a much better man then when I entered.

I realize, more and more each day, that I don’t know that I’ll live for another 30 years.  I might, I might not.  I might live for many more than that.  What I know is that I live life to the fullest and do my best to be a witness for Jesus everyday.  I hope that comes through clearly in my personal and spiritual life, in my family life, in my professional life, on TrueManhood and in every other setting.

TrueMan up!

*A little funny… I found the above exit sign and thought it was pretty ironic – at mile marker 20, on the exit, which is 20 MPH, towards 30 to the east.  Out of 20 towards 30.

Good For You, Young Man

Have you heard of this story?  A young man from Iowa, named Joel Northrup, declined to wrestle a young lady in the Iowa High School State Wrestling Tournament.  He lost by default and the young lady he was supposed to wrestle, who won by default, moved on in the tournament.  This was the first time in the 85 year history  that a female wrestled in the state tournament in Iowa.  This year, not only one girl, Cassy, but two girls made it.  The other young lady was named Megan.

Joel said that he didn’t believe that boys should wrestle girls.  I agree with him.  It’s inappropriate.   He said, “I have a tremendous amount of respect for Cassy and Megan and their accomplishments.”  For Northrup, it doesn’t appear to be a fear thing; he’s not afraid of these girls.  He was 35-4 in matches this year and has already had success in Iowa in previous years.  It’s a matter of principle for him.

“Wrestling is a combat sport and it can get violent at times,” said Northrup. “As a matter of conscience and my faith I do not believe that it is appropriate for a boy to engage a girl in this manner. It is unfortunate that I have been placed in a situation not seen in most other high school sports in Iowa.”

Here’s a bit from his coach…

What does he mean by a “matter of my faith?”  What does being a Christian man have to do with not wrestling a woman?  (Just writing that sentence seems silly to me.)  I’d say that it goes back to our creation as men.  It speaks to the heart of a man.  Deep inside every man is a sense of wildness, a rugged “warrior” drive and our natural inclination towards adventure.  There’s nothing natural inside a man that says “I should my brute strength to pin a woman to the floor to win a tournament.”  In the history of wrestling, dating back to the ancient Greeks, men and women never wrestled one another.  In fact, women never wrestled at all.  Females wrestling is a pretty new invention.

It’s a weird proposition, having to wrestle a girl.  I should know… I wrestled two girls in middle school.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have the courage that Joel had, to say “I default”.  The young ladies that I wrestled in middle school were sweet girls, and pretty feminine, they also happened to like to wrestle.  I’m not really sure why.

Some people would then ask, “Dave, what if your daughters came to you and said, “Daddy, I want to wrestle.”?”  What would I say? I’d say no.  It’ll be a ‘no’ if they come and ask me to be a boxer.  It’ll be a ‘no’ if they come and ask me to be an altar server at Mass.  It would be ‘no’ to a lot of questions.  It’s not authentically feminine for women to do things men are naturally inclined to do.  I’ve written about this a lot – we (men and women) were created with equal dignity, but separate roles.  It’s NOT a bad thing, it’s a GREAT thing!  When men do what they were created for and women do what they were created for IT WORKS!  If that gets all screwed up, everything falls apart.

When I write posts like these, I typically get at least one feminist email spewing hate towards me and this view point (which isn’t solely mine – but that of the Church as well).  I get called all sorts of names and get blamed for being a chauvinist and hateful and harsh and intolerant and so forth.  I welcome those emails because it creates good dialogue.  It’s not about some notion of equality, that a woman should be able to do whatever a man can do.  It’s about the notion of order.  So, if you read this and disagree, let me know.

TrueMan up!

What Makes Porn So Bad?!

So last post (Porn Gone Mobile) I said that I would talk about why porn is so bad.  The totality of the answer can’t fit into this post, so here’s what I’ve got for you today.  A great number of people, even those who do not currently look at, use, buy or sell porn, believe that there is nothing wrong with porn.  This is a sign of a culture that has completely lost its moral compass.  Not only has the moral compass been lost, it has since been replaced with a compass (better stated as a philosophy) that is so far from the truth that it actually denies that absolute truth exists!  This philosophy… moral relativism.  Relativism states that all things are relative.  If you really believe that the composition of the stuff that makes up the ocean is not H2O, but actually H3O7, then in relativism, H3O7 is “truth for you”.

Sure, that’s a silly example, but it can be extended onto any philosophical issue… any issue related to morals, ethics, virtue, choices, life, death… you name it.  You may believe that abortion isn’t murder of a human life, but that doesn’t make your belief true.  The problem with moral relativism is, well, everything.  It denies the absolute truth and leaves everything for the individual to determine.  Not a good place to start.  If relativism is true, then what Christ did on the cross doesn’t matter.  If relativism is true, then God isn’t the ‘unmoved Mover’.  If relativism is true, then there’s no definition to what manliness is.  So…

That brings us back to porn and why it IS so bad.  It’s not that porn is only bad for me and for some other select group of people.  It’s not that I’m ‘trying to force my morality on someone’.  It’s not that only certain kinds of porn are bad.  It’s all intrinsically evil.  Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraph 2354, states: “It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act… It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants… It is a grave offense.”  The production of, distribution of and/or the use of pornography damages the individual, causing them to enter into mortal sin, a total turning away from God.  It is a lie.  It is repulsive.

On another note, porn is intrinsically evil because it destroys our brain’s ability to function properly.  When porn is viewed/used, a chemical bond is created.  The chemical involved is a hormone, called oxytocin.  Oxytocin exists in both males and females.  One of the most commonly known occurrences of oxytocin is in child birth.  It is one of the bonding agents between a mother and a newborn child – a very powerful bond.  Oxytocin is also released in sexual orgasm, thus creating a bond.  When the bond is based on a fantasy, ie porn, the bond is incredibly detrimental.  This false bond distorts the understanding of the sexual act.  Once the distorted bond is in place, often times, the bond continues to deteriorate.  Many men choose to allow this bond into their life and then wonder why real intimacy and actual giving of oneself in marriage is so difficult.

If you haven’t been exposed to porn, I urge you to do everything in your power to stay away from it.  Porn is just like meth… it only takes one time.  If you have been exposed to porn, it will continue to bond you to the fantasy, to the sexual act, to the addiction.  If you’re a single man using porn, the distorted bond will damage your relationships, it will be a stumbling block to finding the right spouse, it will become your motivation.  If/When you get married, it will cause you to be selfish in regards to intimacy with your wife, not to mention in day-to-day activities and interactions.  If you’re a married man using porn, I’m almost 100% certain that the intimacy with your wife is distorted by your addiction.  Not only does it distort your relationship with your wife, it distorts the relationship you have with your children, friends and co-workers.

The good news, as stated before many times, is that freedom from porn exists!  I’m walking proof.  I had these distortions in my life.  It takes a ton of hard work to get over them, as well as daily prayer, the Sacraments and God’s grace.  You can do it!  Get rid of the porn today!

TrueMan up!

Scandal, Scandal Everywhere

Does anyone else feel like Satan is really attacking the Church hard the past few weeks?  And I don’t just mean his normal tactics; I’m talking huge attacks.  He’s shaking things up close to the foundation and doing major damage in the hearts and minds of many wayward Catholics around the world.  It seems like everywhere I look, every article that gets sent to me and every post about the Church on Facebook… it’s all slander, and scandal.  In the past day, I read about 12 Catholic priests in South America coming out in favor of ‘gay rights’, about a former Lutheran pastor (married, with 6 children) becoming a Catholic priest and about the controversial statements made by Cardinal Schonborn of Vienna, Austria.  These stories don’t shake my faith, but they spark doubt and confusion in the minds of many.

For those who don’t believe in Satan (the Prince of Lies), he exists.  You don’t have to believe in him in order for him to exist.  Actually, the more you don’t believe in him, the less you acknowledge his presence, the more work he can do in your life.  He’s attacking the Church now, I believe, because people’s faith is weak and moral relativism is at an all-time high.  Being aware of where you stand is essential in fighting Satan.

What are we to do about these attacks?  How can one man, a guy like me, do anything to ‘right wrongs’ in the Church?  How can I make a large enough impact to justify doing even one small thing?  The answer starts at home.  You MUST be living as an authentic disciple of Christ.  If you are married, you must be encouraging your wife to do the same.  If you have children, you must raise them in the faith.  This is not a faith of ‘pick-and-choose’… your faith must be solid and unwaivering.  Our faith isn’t individual to us.  It is universal, to the entire Church.  That prevents us from thinking we can make decisions of faith and morals on our own.  If you’re living the faith at home, it translates into living it in the workplace, during leisure time and on vacation (at least it should.)  If we live authentic lives for Christ, others will see and will want the joy that we have.  This may seem too simplistic for some, but the truth of the matter is that arguing with people about scandals in the Church rarely allows for conversion, and only distances their desire for God.

With all of the scandals hitting the news lately, I encourage all of us to pray heartily for the Church.  It is times such as these that we must remain faithful and firm in our resolution to defend against evil.

TrueMan up!

The ‘Other’ Option

The video below is a parody done by some guys from an evangelical Protestant church.  It appears that I’m poking fun at them, but in fact, they’re poking fun at themselves.  The video is really funny, especially to someone like myself who spent several years attending and ‘worshiping’ in this sort of setting.  For those who haven’t experienced a service like this, I recommend you stick to the Mass.

What’s the difference?  Can’t we all celebrate and worship the way we feel is best for us?  NO!!!  Christ instituted the Church and the rituals, celebrations and Sacraments the way He wanted them to be!  When we deviate from what Christ intended, we lose total focus and begin living relativistic Christianity.  Bad news.  Instead, stay true to what Christ instituted.  Want to know what He intended?  Read the Gospels!  But don’t just read the Gospels, because unless you speak/write/read Greek and have a 1st Century Hebrew worldview, you’re going to miss too much.  Get other resources (such as commentaries, for instance) that explain what’s happening in the Gospels.  If you have questions, please email us for help.  Info@TrueManhood.com

If you can’t view the video, click HERE.

TrueMan up!

Where are the Men? Part 2

In the last post, I mentioned how while attending a Saturday evening Vigil Mass at a local parish, I noticed that only 4 of 31 servant-leadership roles were filled by men.  Of those 4 positions of service, 1  was a young boy altar server, 2 were Extraordinary Ministers of Holy Communion and 1 was in the happy happy clap clap band.  The problem is not the women, the problem is the men.  Here’s why…

When men are absent from servant-leadership (in anything, not just at Mass) the ‘thing’ does not function properly.  When a father is absent from his family, when a husband is absent from his wife, when a priest is absent from his parish, when a coach is absent from his team, when a boss is absent from his employees, when a commander is absent from his troops… the family, marriage, parish, team, company and unit do not function correctly.  At Mass, specifically, we must correct the dysfunctions because they are widespread and have a large scope of influence.  The way to correct the dysfunction is to encourage and challenge men to act in the way in which God created them to be.  To grasp this picture, let’s look at the creation account in the Book of Genesis.

God created Adam.  From Adam’s side, He created Eve.  Adam was commanded by God to “shamar” the garden.  Shamar is Hebrew for cultivate, protect, care for, etc.  It was Adam’s job to cultivate the land, protect the garden, his wife and all of creation, but from the onset, Adam dropped the ball.  When the serpent convinced Eve to eat of the fruit, where was Adam?  Gone in another place in the garden?  No.  Was he over at some buddy’s house drinking a cold one, watching the big game?  No.  He was right beside her!  [After all, she turned and handed him the fruit that she had just eaten from.]  He was neglecting to protect the garden and his wife and failed to do what God created him to do.  The Fall = Adam’s fault!  When this sort of behavior (when men fail to cultivate, protect and care for) continues to prevail, the Church suffers greatly.

The choices Adam made are, in some way, the same decisions that many Catholic men today are making.  Instead of cultivating the Church, protecting the Church and caring for the Church, men sit back and allow women to ‘do’.  If you look at parishes and/or dioceses that are incredibly strong, that have great priests, that have large properly-functioning families and they have large numbers of seminarians, you’ll see that it is almost undoubtedly because men are involved as leaders!

The problem with men sitting back and allowing women (who are willing and ready to step in) to fill the gap is that the general population of men either don’t attend Mass or simply lose interest, although their backside is filling a spot in the pew.  This sort of behavior teaches children that men don’t need faith and that faith is a ‘woman’s thing’.  Many men believe that faith, religion, prayer, devotion, etc. is feminine and actually, anti-masculine.  They couldn’t be further from the truth.  As I have stated many times before, being manly means that a man is virtuous.  Faith, Hope and Love, the Theological Virtues, are the real signs of manliness.  In an upcoming post, I will continue with the thought of what happens when men and women don’t fulfill their roles and how it affects the Church as a whole, titled “The Church: By Women, For Women.”

TrueMan up!

In Response – Not the Point

I recently received a comment on one of my posts, “That Blue One’s the Boy One”.  The commentor, as you can read below in red, misses the point.

The color examples don’t make any sense. Attributing color to gender is arbitrary. It’s not an instinct. It’s learned. Before the 20th century, most babies were dressed in white because it could withstand hot washes. In the 1920′s in the US, pink was for boys and blue was for girls. Pink was considered a watered down shade of red, think blood and blue was considered dainty because it was the color of the sky and water. The French dressed girls in pink and the Germans dressed boys in pink. It’s meaningless. Think dresses are for girls?  Not in this country. Most boys wore dresses in the late 1800′s because fabric was scarce and they grew out of pants too quickly. As for your “men and women are different” arguments, the scientific research has shown that there are more within-group differences than between-group differences for men and women aside from a few physiological differences. The reason that there is a difference is because society has created different rules for different genders. From looking around your website, I guarantee what I am writing won’t make a difference and you probably won’t give it a second thought, but it goes against everything that we know about our society. This site seems to be a giant amalgamation of stereotypical and baseless opinions. It is well-designed though and the layout is phenomenal. I hope that some healthier examples of masculinity, fatherhood and mentoring make their way to your site in the future.

Allow me to respond to Jerrod.  First off, thanks for the comment.  Secondly, you’re missing the point in the first half of your comment.  It wasn’t about the color, which I clearly stated in my original post.  You bring up some other points that need clarification.

1. The “men and women argument” isn’t my argument.  I’m merely stating what others (namely, John Paul the Great; one of the greatest philosophers and peacemakers in human history) have already worked out extensively.  To say that there are “more within-group differences than between-group differences” is quite simply, false.  Your scientific research is flawed.  If you’d like to email me personally, I’m happy to take a look at what you are using as your source(s).
2. What you wrote is very important to me.  What you wrote is, in part, why I have this website.  I’m interested in bringing to light the truths of manhood so that our society can return to a properly functioning society.  As of now, in our post-modern society, we do not function properly as a whole.  This is mainly because males fail to live up to TrueManhood.  I’m working to change that.  You say that my website “goes against everything we know about our society.”  You’re correct, I’m working to fight the culture we live in.  Sin rules our world, and in order for society to thrive, we must fight our tendency toward sin.  To say “what we know about our society” implies that what our society does/thinks is correct.  What we think is correct, is not.  Our society needs conversion of heart to the source of life – Jesus Christ.
3. As for the site being a “giant amalgamation of stereotypes and baseless opinions”, I disagree.  My articles are based in Catholic truth, the fullness of truth.  That’s a giant topic, so I don’t guess we can get into it here.  I’m fighting the stereotypes of what is expected of males in our society – just read any of the articles I write about commercials we see.  I’m guessing you probably haven’t really read many of my articles, or maybe that you don’t understand them.  My apologies.  And yes, while my articles are opinion, they are not baseless.  My opinions are in line with the Church (many bishops and priests support my website) and are rooted in the understanding of virtue as a way of life.  If you’re interested in reading more about virtue, type VIRTUE in the search box and get to reading – there’s lots there.  Specifically, you can check out “TrueManhood’s Guide to Virtue”.
4. I appreciate the comments about the layout and design.  I work hard to keep the sight going.  (And, I’m always working on new stuff, and want more comments of what everyone is hoping for!)
5. Finally Jerrod, from your last sentence, I’d like to know what you think is a “healthier example of masculinity, fatherhood and mentoring…”  Thanks.

Man up!

A Dirty Conundrum

One of the mysteries of the Catholic faith is why Mass attendance on Ash Wednesday is so high. It truly baffles me. When attending Mass on Ash Wednesday, you see droves and droves of people coming to receive dirt on their foreheads. The dirt (actually ashes, created by burning last year’s palm leaves) signifies our mortality, and is a reminder of our sinfulness. Do people turn out in record number because they like dirt? Do they think it’s a holy day of obligation (opportunity)? Do they enjoy receiving something? Is there another reason? The baffling part about it is that they could faithfully receive the Eucharist each and every Sunday (an actual holy day), or everyday if they so desired… how much better is the Eucharist than Ash Wednesday ashes?!

Another element about the fair-weather crowds on Ash Wednesday is the assumption (or maybe ‘sense of entitlement’ is the better phrasing here) that they can receive the Eucharist. The Eucharist isn’t simply a snack, or a party favor. The Eucharist is Jesus Christ’s body, blood, soul and divinity! The Eucharist is reserved for Catholics, in the state of grace, who fully proclaim and live the truths of the Catholic faith.

Why do I bring this up?  Partly to vent, because it’s frustrating to me.  But, more importantly, because we need to realize the importance of catechesis and of witnessing to non-Catholics and others we come in contact with.  We have to be reminded of what’s happening to our Church, and as men, step up and lead others to a deeper understanding of Christ and His Church.

Man up!

Ask an Expert – Relationship with God, No Church?

My latest Ask an Expert response on iibloom.com:

QUESTION: Can I have a relationship with God without going to Church?

ANSWER: I know this question is on the hearts and minds of lots of folks, so thanks for stepping out and asking it. The short answer is, yes, you can have a relationship with God without going to Church. After all, He created you! However, that relationship is going to be a bad one. Think about it this way… imagine that you’re married and that you and your spouse have completely opposite schedules. You never talk, you never see each other. You never go on dates, you don’t snuggle at night and you never eat a meal together. What kind of marriage are you going to have? Not a good one. I DON’T think this is what you’re getting at.

Imagine now that you never become intimate with your spouse, that you never share or participate in their sacrifice for you. Imagine that you have barriers between you and your spouse that eliminate the ability to fully understand each other. What kind of marriage is this? An even worse marriage than the other. This, I think, IS what you’re getting at!

“Can I have a relationship with God without going to church?” Being in relationship with God is about much more than simply going to church. Being in relationship with God is about being involved in His life. God the Father sent His only Son, Jesus, to take on human flesh. Once Jesus became man, He gave fully of Himself in a sacrificial way. This sacrifice is what we celebrate at Mass, and is the “source and summit” of our faith. This sacrifice is The Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar, the Eucharist! When we receive Jesus in the Eucharist, we are more intimately connected with Him than at any other time in our lives. There is no other single way to be more closely related to Him than this! He dwells in us, physically, after we receive Him. What a great honor and privilege!!! 

Previously, I stated that you could have a relationship with God without going to Church. I don’t actually believe that. In order to be in relationship, which means to be connected to someone else, you have to participate in their life. Jesus gave His all for His bride, the Church. His life was service to His spouse. If we’re going to be in relationship with Him, we have to participate in the life of the Church, the bride of Christ.

[If you read in the Gospel of John, Chapter 6, Christ institutes the Eucharist. These passages are vital for a Catholic understanding of what Christ did on the cross for us.]

Encouraging Men to Get Involved

Here’s my latest article on iibloom.com, posted yesterday.

For some people, it’s a struggle to figure out why men aren’t involved at church and church-related events. When we take a look at a typical parish in the United States, we see a Church that is struggling to entice, encourage and strengthen men as leaders. Why is this? Is it the content, is it the timing, is it the other people in attendance? Is it something internal? Do they feel emasculated by it? Is it a lack of catechesis? Is there a power struggle? Or maybe even something else?

(Please note, this article is a generalization; please keep this in mind. Many men are fully engaged in the life of the Church and many parishes have a thriving men’s population. The point of this article is to find ways to help encourage men who aren’t involved to become involved.)

Men won’t get involved in “stuff” if they don’t see a value in it. Also, they aren’t likely to attend a new event, group or club unless they know someone else who is attending, and know them well. Another reason men won’t get involved is if they see the stuff as weak, lame or feminine. Unfortunately, many men see Mass, Church events, groups and retreats through this lens. On my website, I have mentioned that the Church is “by women, for women,” and this is a big reason why men aren’t involved. I say this because the vast majority of parishes in the US have a very lopsided attendance and volunteer demographic. The reason for this is because men fail to step up and into leadership and volunteer roles. 

Men shouldn’t be forced into praying like women pray, it doesn’t work for us. Men need to pray the way men were created to pray. Men shouldn’t be forced into activities that are similar to women’s activities, it does’t work for us. Men should participate in activities that they were created for. There’s a difference, and that difference is important.

The difference is, as the late Pope John Paul II often talked about, is that men and women were created equal in dignity, but different in role. In order for men to fulfill their role, their lives must be oriented correctly towards what they were created for. A great place to see what it is that men were created for is to read through the creation narrative in The Book of Genesis.

So how do you encourage men to participate? It’s tough to know, exactly. I think that a great way is to get to the heart of a man…that which God put deep inside each man. It’s different from anything else in the world, and hard to explain. See, men want to be rugged and tough. They want to shoot stuff, and fix stuff, and build stuff. They want to protect and defend, they want to love and be loved. They want to feel a purpose and be accomplished. Unfortunately, so many men don’t know how to do any of that stuff.

If we want men to participate, we have to encourage them, build them up and GIVE THEM A PERSONAL INVITATION. Personal invitations, from men they trust and respect, might just be the thing to get a man involved in the Life of the Church. The personal invitation should be in person, not over phone, texting or email. And once the invitation is extended, the event better not stink! Or be lame! And, it better not be associated with ‘sissiness’! If it does, he’ll never come back.

I encourage all the faithful, if they know a man who needs to be involved, to be like St Monica. St Monica, the mother of St Augustine, prayed unceasingly for her son. Augustine was a wandering-soul. He lived a life of incredible sin and his mother still prayed. He became one of the greatest saints and writers of the Church. That man who you know might just be the next St Augustine.

Click HERE for the article on iibloom’s site.

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