For Women – Is He Mr. Right?

I recently came across an online article titled “Is He Mr. Right?”  I was curious what the article said, doubting that any of it was substantive or even remotely helpful.  The information was, well, eh.  The article had five main points, and if your “Mr. Next” met all five, then voilà!  “You’ve found Mr. Right!”  What do you think?

The first point was “He Listens to You”.  Huh?, what’s that?  Oh, sorry.  Although listening is a vital component to just about every human relationship, I don’t know that it’s essential in choosing Mr. Right.  The first point continues on, saying “you’ll know he listens to you when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you’ve told him and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful way.”  Well… I don’t think that the actions mentioned here are listening, although listening played a role.  The action is ‘showing’, ‘remembering’ and ‘offering’.  Listening doesn’t make things happen… doing does.  With that said, God gave us each 2 ears and only 1 mouth, meaning that we should probably listen twice as much as we talk.

The second point is rather silly… “He Connects with You.”  If a guy isn’t connecting with you, why are you dating him?

The third point is good, although not developed enough for my tastes… “He Wants the Real You.”  The author writes about a woman not giving up any part of her identity for a man, which is fine and good.  I think that when either person does that, it only leads to falsehood, and eventually, the truth comes out and problems come up.  I believe one of the best ways for the guy to really want the ‘real’ you, is for him to know you before you date.  This begins the topic of dating with a purpose, although we don’t have time for that here.

The fourth point is even better than the third.  Here it is, verbatim: “A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he’ll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.”  Here’s my qualm with this on… be overly careful with who you give your heart to.  Just because he’s trustworthy, doesn’t make him worthy of your heart.  Be careful, please.

The fifth point isn’t all the great, at least not for the ‘all-encompassing’ characteristic that a man must have, blah blah blah.  “He Enriches Your Life.”  Is that the best this author can do?  What about virtue here?  What about how he treats you?  What about how compatible your life goals, dreams and aspirations are?  Again, as with the second point, this seems a bit silly for me.

I think the author is missing the boat, unless, of course, the point of dating is solely to have fun.  If that’s the case, then what’s the point in even caring about Mr. Right?  Why not just care about Mr. Right-Now?  The point should be that dating with a purpose is the only way that a relationship will truly last and truly bring happiness to both people.  These relationships, however, must have Christ at their center if they want that happiness.  Ladies, please know that you are incredible.  God created you for greatness and you have nothing stopping you from that.  You deserve the best and should never compromise for a counterfeit version of the best.  So many women attempt to find value in the things that happen to them (compliments, stares, successes at work, awards, etc.) instead of finding true value in the fact that you are a daughter of God.  He is the only place for true fulfillment.

Tuesdays with Daddy – Father’s Edition

To all the men who are fathers… today’s “Tuesdays with Daddy” is for you.  Unfortunately, my opportunity to be home with my girls on Tuesdays will be coming to an end in about a month.  I thought it would be a good idea to put forth a challenge to all the dads out there, to keep you thinking, to keep you purposeful in your parenting.  Read over these questions and be honest with yourself about the answers.  If something’s not up to par, make a change today.  I believe that we are all on a journey towards being the best father that we can be.  The journey requires us to always be moving forward, always toward being better.

• Do you tell your children, not just everyday, but every chance you have, that you love them?
• Do your actions match up with your words?
• Do you love your wife?
• Does your love (action!) match up with your “I love yous”?
• Do your children see you loving your wife?
• Do your children have a healthy and realistic understanding of love, or is it what they see on television, in movies and online?
• Do you prioritize your life well?  Or do you give one (or more) part more attention and neglect the other things you ought to be doing?
• Are you addicted to anything?  Porn?  Alcohol?  ESPN?  Work? etc.
• Are you working to overcome your addiction?  (Ask me if you need resources… Dave@TrueManhood.com)
• Do you strive to grow in virtue?
• Are you faithful to a daily prayer life?  To a Sacramental life?
• Do your children know that you pray?
• Do you pray with your children everyday?
• Are you actively involved in the spiritual formation of your children daily?
• Do you pass on responsibilities and place them on your wife and/or childcare provider?
• Do you rejoice in your children?
• What else do you need to work on?

Man up!

“Our lives change when our habits change.”  – Matthew Kelly

Are You a Supertasker?

Supertasker; have you heard this word yet?  I’ve only lately come across this newly “invented” conjecture.  (I like conjectures, especially those of an “invented” nature… TrueManhood, TrueMan, TrueMen, etc!)  I read about supertaskers in an online article.  The context of the word stems from the arguments about the potential success that an individual has while using a cell phone while driving, but it can also be used to describe people who can successfully do two or more things at once.

The findings in the article were pretty incredible and I write about this topic today to encourage you to make sensible and safe decisions when it comes to your cell phone use while driving.  Remember – as men, we are called to care for those around us in all we do.  The research shows that most people have problems with reaction time to braking, following distance and memory details of what took place during phone calls.  My encouragement stems from this finding, which held substantial evidence for the cause against driving and talking.  Many men believe that they are indestructible.  Many men believe that the “common finding” doesn’t apply to them, that they are somehow superior to the average Joe.  In this case, the research shows that most of us (I’m assuming I’m in this category, too) simply lose driving proficiency while on the phone.  Are you willing to risk the life of another human being, maybe even your girlfriend, wife or child, in order to take that call?  It just doesn’t make sense to push it.

Now, I’ll admit, I talk on the phone while I drive.  Where I think I’m different than most people (I’m NOT saying I’m a supertasker) is that I put driving first and the phone call second.  I’m aware of what’s going on, checking my mirrors, using my turn signal and so on.  I believe that I do a good job of successfully doing both the driving and the phone call.  However, it begs the question: “Is the phone call worth it?”  I realize that most of us are going to drive and talk.  I get it.  However, please allow me to urge you to set yourself up for success… use a hands-free device if you’re going to do it.  Hands-free doesn’t prevent accidents, but at least you have two hands available.  Pay attention to the road first, and if you must ask the person on the other line to repeat themselves, do it.  Save a life today.

By the way, studies show that only 2.5% of the population are supertaskers.  Most fighter pilots fall into the category of supertasker.

Man up!

Opening Day 2010

Today marks the start of the 2010 Major League Baseball season.  Best of luck to all the teams out there, especially to my Pirates, who need lots of help!  There’s something about heading out to the ballpark on a summer day, at least for those of us who like baseball.  If you aren’t a baseball fan, that’s fine… this post isn’t about baseball, per se.  Here at TrueManhood, we wanted to do a “compare and contrast” between baseball and manliness.

• Baseball is a game.  Manliness isn’t.
• Baseball is played during the summer.  Manliness is always.
• Baseball players can “mess up” 7 out of 10 times at bat over their entire career and be considered a Hall of Famer.  Manliness can’t sustain those numbers.
• Baseball is about trying to win most of the time.  Manliness strives to “win” all the time.  (“Win” here means to be a TrueMan.)
• Baseball allows men to throw tantrums, kick dirt, scream, cuss, chew and throw drink coolers.  Manliness never stands for that sort of behavior.

We could continue on for hours with this sort of thing.  I’ve got nothing against baseball, I enjoy baseball, especially when I get to play the game.  I grew up playing from an early age into my adult life, I take my family to the ballpark regularly and I really enjoy the playoff season.  What we need to be careful about, and this goes for everything in life (other sports, the Hollywood mentality, the online community, etc.) is to take baseball in using moderation.  Manliness, however, we should take in with excess!  (Remember, manliness means living a virtuous life!)

Man up!

True God and TrueMan

The Easter Triduum is an incredible celebration within our Church’s liturgical calendar.  The Triduum is the time from Holy Thursday until Easter Day, which includes so many incredible elements to our faith, such as: The Institution of the Eucharist at the Last Supper!  The Institution of the Priesthood, Christ humbling Himself (as our example, especially for men) as a servant-leader with the washing of the feet, Christ’s Passion, Christ’s death on the cross as the Paschal Lamb – the Passover fulfillment, and tomorrow, the celebration of His Resurrection!  What a rich and humbling tradition of redemption we have!

We should see Christ as our model.  He is the perfection of manliness.  He is all virtue.  He is sacrificial, even to the point of death.  He is a servant leader.  It is these characteristics that we should be striving for.  In the Divine Praises, we pray the following statement… “Blessed be Jesus Christ, true God and true man.”  This verse has become the tagline for our ministry here at TrueManhood (scroll down this page to see!), and for good reason.  We’re all asking the question, “what does it mean to be a real man?”  The answer lies with Christ.  When you get up in the morning, throughout the entire day, and again before you go to bed, I recommend that you immerse yourself in the life of Christ so that you can learn what He did while He walked this earth and also, so that you learn what He continues to do, as He sits at the right hand of the Father in Heaven.  This means, first and foremost, that you are praying continually!  A daily, fervent prayer life will aid you greatly.  [Don’t know how to pray?… shoot me an email and we’ll chat.  Dave@TrueManhood.com.]  Next, I recommend that you gaze upon Christ on the cross.  His sacrifice is there and present on the cross.  The image of Christ on the cross reminds us of what and who He is and why He did what He did for us, all of us.  Stare at Him.  Unite your suffering to Him.  Serve as He served.  Lead as he led.  Love as He loved.

I pray that your Lenten experience was fruitful this year.  Be aware that you can give up things (this is called fasting) anytime (not on Sundays)… it doesn’t have to be only during Lent.  Work to control your will, so that by saying ‘no’ in the little things, you can say ‘no’ to the big temptations.  Practicing what the Church suggests for us during Lent is good to continue throughout the entire year.

Man up!

ASK AN EXPERT – BACK TO THE CATHOLIC FAITH

My latest Ask an Expert response on iibloom.com:

QUESTION: What can I do for my 20 yr old son to come back to the Catholic faith?

ANSWER: This question is on the mind of parents everywhere. There isn’t a cookie-cutter answer because your son (and everyone else’s adult child) is unique. Please realize that the answer to the question for you and your son could take years to figure out. And, you have to be able to come to grips with the fact that your son may never return to the faith. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but a reality. On a personal level, I relate closely to this topic because I put my parents, family and friends through the very same thing about 10 years ago when I was 19 years old. I’ll get to the reason why I came back to the faith, but first, let me give a few generic answers for you to consider and possibly act on. 

First off, you may not be the right person to talk to your adult child about their faith life – or lack thereof. On the other hand, you might be just the person. I recommend determining whether you think you are this person or not. Be objective, keeping in mind that, unfortunately, your adult child may not want to listen to you. Objectivity, not subjectivity, is key to making this distinction. As their parent, you want them to “get it,” but it’s not that simple. 

Secondly, there are lots of reasons why people leave the faith. However, I have never come across a person who knew that the Catholic Church was the fullness of the truth and willingly left. This isn’t to say that there’s someone out there like this, but it’s unlikely. The important thing to keep in mind here is that knowing and loving are two separate things. It is simply not enough for someone to have head-knowledge of the person of Jesus and never come into a loving relationship with Him. The loving relationship with Christ comes from a conversion, or turning away from our sinful ways, and turning towards God. Conversion may be the farthest thing in your son’s mind. You can’t make the conversion take place, but you can be like St. Augustine’s mother, St. Monica, who was relentless in her prayer, suffering, penance and example for her son. What she was successful at was knowing her role in the necessary conversion of her son, who was far worse than your son, and who became a doctor of the Church. 

Next, if his catechesis (knowledge of, understanding of and reasoning for the faith) is poor, there won’t be a compelling-enough reason to go to Mass. If his catechesis is poor, it means that Mass isn’t about receiving the Eucharist, the greatest gift God could have ever given to us, His people, but that Mass is an obligation that takes time and energy. Mass in the latter case becomes tedious and boring, something merely to check off a list and not something that is viewed as a privilege and an honor. This is the way that many “fallen away” Catholics view Mass. They were never taught the WHY, only the WHAT. The WHAT never suffices in and of itself. 

There is most likely a disconnect somewhere for him. It is quite possible that you did a lot of great things raising your son and for some personal reason, he is choosing to abandon his faith – the faith you want so badly for him to possess. It is also quite possible that he doesn’t have a foundational understanding of the WHY of our faith and therefore doesn’t believe that the faith is practical, and that emotionally it’s easier to live a godless life than to deal with all the outdated rules, for example. If we, as parents, don’t know, love and live our faith, why should we ever expect our children to? He may have gone to Catholic school all his life, or been in every CCD class your parish offered. That’s not enough because true conversion hasn’t taken place yet. 

We all need role models to emulate. There’s a man in your son’s life that is a faithful Catholic man, that “has it all,” that loves life, that cherishes his wife, that is a man’s man and that your son trusts. Depending on this man, either suggest to your son to go and speak with him, or invite the man to engage your son in conversation. I am willing to bet that in order for your son to go through the necessary steps for true conversion, that a real relationship is going to be an absolute must. This trustworthy man could be just the thing your son needs. It will take time. 

The reason I came back to the faith had nothing to do with my family, it had everything to do with joy. I was on my college campus, an anti-Catholic, Evangelical, sola-scriptura Christian. I fought with people about the faith, I pushed the faith aside and I hated Catholicism. Soon, my life turned to despair, hopelessness and was riddled with doubt. I looked around at all the people who I considered to be my friends and they all had something I wanted. They had joy, in the deepest sense of the word. Their joy caused me to rethink everything I had turned away from. I went on a long journey and through their example, returned to the vibrant faith that I now know and love. 

Keep the faith and pray that your son will have a conversion and come to understand and love the faith which we hold so dear. Blessings, Dave.

The Struggle Through Lent

Lent can be very trying.  So often, we embrace Lent early on as a way to purify ourselves from all the bad habits we have, but fail miserably at fulfilling our intentions for the entire forty days.  I notice that lots of people make Lenten devotions that are nice and good, but not specific to the things they really should be working on.  For instance, someone may need to increase prayer, but instead, they give up eating chocolate.  This is missing the point of Lent – a purification of our sinful ways towards a life in Christ.

Another problem I see pretty regularly is that we lose sight of the point of giving something up and fail to recognize what we need to include/add something to counteract the deprivation.  For instance, if you give up chocolate to improve your will power, but constantly complain about not being able to eat chocolate, you aren’t working on your will power.  Personally, I gave up music while driving.  I didn’t give it up to simply give it up, I gave it up to 1. increase my prayer life (which means I have to pray while I’m driving, instead of listening to music) and 2. experience some silence, even if it is distracted silence.

Often times, we set lofty goals for what sort of Lent we expect to experience and then get frustrated and disappointed that we aren’t as “holy” as we had hoped.  This is often referred to as “dryness.”  Sometimes it works out, but often, we fail to meet our goals.  The frustration, doubt, anger and uneasiness that comes from a “bad” Lenten experience is what the devil wants from you.  Don’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that you were frustrated.

So, with only a few days left for Lent 2010, you can still make your Lenten devotions strong.  If you’ve been doing poorly, you can get back on track and make a change in your life.

Man up!

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