Weddings Are About The Marriage

A few weeks ago, a colleague and great friend began his marriage.  The Nuptial Mass was beautiful and the party was lots of fun.  This weekend, some other longtime (and very special) friends are celebrating the start of their marriage.  We (my wife and I) couldn’t be more happy for these couples.  We know how incredible marriage can be and pray for only the best for these and all couples as they start into their vocation of marriage.

Often times, the wedding events can get the better of a couple and the point and purpose is lost in the colors, the flowers, the cake and the music – among a slew of about a million other ‘details’.  We experienced this in our wedding preparations, to some extent, and know that it is a temptation for most couples.  To keep it all in perspective… the wedding is all about the marriage.  The marriage is all about sanctification!  To be one with your helpmate and to help her get to Heaven.  To be blessed (if it be God’s will) with children and to help them get to Heaven.

A topic that I am convicted by is, as many of you have read before, my saying “Make the Choice to Love.”  It is so necessary and, in my estimation, the only way to give yourself fully to your spouse – by making the loving choice 100% of the time.  Below is a previous article that I wrote for iibloom.com called “The Choice to Love.”  I hope you like it and I hope it is helpful.

“Early in our marriage, my wife would ask me, in a somewhat sarcastic tone, “Are you making the choice to love right now?” It would stop me dead in my tracks to realize that I wasn’t. I like to think of myself as having a strong head on my shoulders and an ability to admit when I’m wrong. When my wife would ask that question, I knew that, in fact, I wasn’t making the choice to love and that I was dead wrong. I was not giving my wife the love and respect that she deserved. I took the unity that we had promised to one another in our wedding vows and I shattered it, so that I could be right. My need to be right was why I would argue. I would argue because I was stubborn. I was stubborn because I was self-centered. Notice that each of these scenarios containschoice and action. Instead of needing to be right, I should compromise and come to a common-ground understanding. Instead of arguing, I should suck up my pride and admit to my portion of the wrong doings and never, under any circumstances, should I place blame. (Placing blame activates defense mechanisms. Once defense mechanisms have been activated, good luck coming to the before mentioned common-ground understanding.) Instead of being stubborn, I should be humble. Instead of being self-centered, I should be marriage centered. I should make the choice to love.

If I always make the choice to love, I am making the decision that will best allow my marriage to grow and succeed. Love is a verb and requires action. The choice to love removes selfishness, pride and arrogance. Making the choice to love means and assures me that:

1. I am making the best decision for my marriage.
2. I am making the best decision for my spouse.
3. I am making the best decision for my family.
4. I am making the best decision for my family’s future.
5. I am making the best decision for myself. (By putting myself on this list, I am not forgetting that I am an integral part of the success or failure of my marriage.)

(The best decision, in this context, means making the decision that I know to be the best, at the time, with the knowledge and understanding that I have. The best decision is made with clear conscience and free from clouded judgment.)

The most important aspect of making the choice to love is a commitment from both spouses. Making the choice to love does not work when only one of the spouses participates. If you are in a relationship where your spouse does not respond to being asked to make the choice to love, I suggest that you have a serious conversation with them about their actions and how it might negatively affect your marriage relationship. (This is not gender specific, both the husband and the wife must make every effort to make the choice to love.) Insist on this, your marriage is counting on you. This principle will not work if both parties are not fully committed. We made a commitment to each other that whenever one of us mentions “make the choice to love,” we promise to immediately stop our behavior and make the conscious decision to love. We promised one another. It requires devotion and perseverance. We put aside our bad habits, pride and selfish tendencies and choose to love the other fully and without reservation.

The saying, “Make the Choice to Love,” holds a great amount of depth. It radically transformed our marriage. I want everyone to love marriage, either their own or simply the thought of marriage. It is possible for everyone to have an amazing, loving and wonderful life-giving marriage. “Make the Choice to Love.”

Scandal, Scandal Everywhere

Does anyone else feel like Satan is really attacking the Church hard the past few weeks?  And I don’t just mean his normal tactics; I’m talking huge attacks.  He’s shaking things up close to the foundation and doing major damage in the hearts and minds of many wayward Catholics around the world.  It seems like everywhere I look, every article that gets sent to me and every post about the Church on Facebook… it’s all slander, and scandal.  In the past day, I read about 12 Catholic priests in South America coming out in favor of ‘gay rights’, about a former Lutheran pastor (married, with 6 children) becoming a Catholic priest and about the controversial statements made by Cardinal Schonborn of Vienna, Austria.  These stories don’t shake my faith, but they spark doubt and confusion in the minds of many.

For those who don’t believe in Satan (the Prince of Lies), he exists.  You don’t have to believe in him in order for him to exist.  Actually, the more you don’t believe in him, the less you acknowledge his presence, the more work he can do in your life.  He’s attacking the Church now, I believe, because people’s faith is weak and moral relativism is at an all-time high.  Being aware of where you stand is essential in fighting Satan.

What are we to do about these attacks?  How can one man, a guy like me, do anything to ‘right wrongs’ in the Church?  How can I make a large enough impact to justify doing even one small thing?  The answer starts at home.  You MUST be living as an authentic disciple of Christ.  If you are married, you must be encouraging your wife to do the same.  If you have children, you must raise them in the faith.  This is not a faith of ‘pick-and-choose’… your faith must be solid and unwaivering.  Our faith isn’t individual to us.  It is universal, to the entire Church.  That prevents us from thinking we can make decisions of faith and morals on our own.  If you’re living the faith at home, it translates into living it in the workplace, during leisure time and on vacation (at least it should.)  If we live authentic lives for Christ, others will see and will want the joy that we have.  This may seem too simplistic for some, but the truth of the matter is that arguing with people about scandals in the Church rarely allows for conversion, and only distances their desire for God.

With all of the scandals hitting the news lately, I encourage all of us to pray heartily for the Church.  It is times such as these that we must remain faithful and firm in our resolution to defend against evil.

TrueMan up!

Ask an Expert – Relationship with God, No Church?

My latest Ask an Expert response on iibloom.com:

QUESTION: Can I have a relationship with God without going to Church?

ANSWER: I know this question is on the hearts and minds of lots of folks, so thanks for stepping out and asking it. The short answer is, yes, you can have a relationship with God without going to Church. After all, He created you! However, that relationship is going to be a bad one. Think about it this way… imagine that you’re married and that you and your spouse have completely opposite schedules. You never talk, you never see each other. You never go on dates, you don’t snuggle at night and you never eat a meal together. What kind of marriage are you going to have? Not a good one. I DON’T think this is what you’re getting at.

Imagine now that you never become intimate with your spouse, that you never share or participate in their sacrifice for you. Imagine that you have barriers between you and your spouse that eliminate the ability to fully understand each other. What kind of marriage is this? An even worse marriage than the other. This, I think, IS what you’re getting at!

“Can I have a relationship with God without going to church?” Being in relationship with God is about much more than simply going to church. Being in relationship with God is about being involved in His life. God the Father sent His only Son, Jesus, to take on human flesh. Once Jesus became man, He gave fully of Himself in a sacrificial way. This sacrifice is what we celebrate at Mass, and is the “source and summit” of our faith. This sacrifice is The Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar, the Eucharist! When we receive Jesus in the Eucharist, we are more intimately connected with Him than at any other time in our lives. There is no other single way to be more closely related to Him than this! He dwells in us, physically, after we receive Him. What a great honor and privilege!!! 

Previously, I stated that you could have a relationship with God without going to Church. I don’t actually believe that. In order to be in relationship, which means to be connected to someone else, you have to participate in their life. Jesus gave His all for His bride, the Church. His life was service to His spouse. If we’re going to be in relationship with Him, we have to participate in the life of the Church, the bride of Christ.

[If you read in the Gospel of John, Chapter 6, Christ institutes the Eucharist. These passages are vital for a Catholic understanding of what Christ did on the cross for us.]

All Eyes On Me

All eyes on me… and you… 

I know Dennis Rodman said “I never asked to be a role model”, but he’s in the spot light.  And you – although probably not in the spot light – probably never asked to be a role model either.  Guess what?  You are a role model.  You’re a role model whether you want to be or not.  Whether you are at home (with siblings, parents, spouse, children or friends) or at work, or at Church or in public… all eyes are on you.  Maybe you didn’t ask, but it’s the fact of the matter.

So why does this matter?  So what if everyone is watching me?  It matters because all of those eyes are connected to brains that are forming impressions about you.  And you don’t only represent yourself, you represent all men, everywhere.  If you are a father, you represent fatherhood.  If you are a Catholic, you represent Catholicism.  If you’re doing a great job of setting a great example, then great!  Keep up the good work!  If, however, you are setting a poor example, then you are making my job much more difficult.  If women look at you and think that the behavior you live out is what a man is, shame on you.  If children look at you and think that the behavior you live out is what a man is, how dare you.  If non-believers look at you and think that the behavior you live out is what a Christian (man) is, may God have mercy on you.

You might not ask for it, but all eyes are on you.  You can make this seemingly gigantic task have an incredible outcome if you live as a TrueMan should.  How does a man live as a TrueMan?  First and foremost, he is virtuous.  This includes being faithful to God and being loving.  After these two vital virtues, he respects others, honors his wife and children and is hard working.  I could continue on for pages.  Summed up, a  TrueMan is a virtuous man.

Man up!

7 Days of Manly Superbowl Stuff – Day 3

T-Minus 5 days and counting until Superbowl 43…

Today, I’m thinking about the players in the NFL, and the typical picture that is painted for us of a player on the side lines.  Typically, we see the star players getting a water-boy to squirt water in their mouth for them, someone who takes their helmet off and places it on their own personal “helmet heater” and yet another person who comes behind them and places a warm cape over their shoulders during cold games.  Is this reality?  Do you have an assistant that comes behind you and “takes care of you”?  Most of us want to say no, but if you think about it, you might have to change your answer to yes.

Think about it this way… if you’re a married man, do you make your wife take care of everything around the house?  (The cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping and the bills?)  Does your wife do everything for the children?  (Feed, change, dress, educate and play with them?)  If this is making you think, I’m glad.  My hope is that each of us realizes that, much like the players on the field, a marriage is a team.  In football terms, how well would a team do if the offense also played defense AND special teams?  They received no rest, no substitutes and no relief.  They’d get run down and worn out.  Are you doing this to your spouse?  A True Man knows that cooking is a huge help (on a grill is preferred!), that cleaning any part of the house is a major relief and that a break from the kids is a god-send.  A True Man also knows that this DOES NOT take away from his manhood, but enhances it.  Be a teammate.

Man up!