Guest Post – It Only Takes One

In connection with an upcoming podcast, originally recorded with my wife Catherine for local Catholic radio in 2014, my wife mentioned this article.  The article is intended to help folks navigate the tough waters of suicide prevention in their loved ones.

By Catherine DiNuzzo of DiNuzzo Counseling

Imagine…it’s Christmas Day and your family is gathered around the dinner table. Everyone is talking and laughing. Everyone, that is, except for your sister. It has been a few months since you have seen her because she now goes to college out of state. You notice that she seems to be in her own world, disengaged from the family and disinterested in the discussion. She has cut her food into very small pieces but isn’t eating any of it, only pushing it around her plate. You also notice that she has lost a lot a weight since the last time you saw her.

Now imagine that you are out with your roommate. You realize that you haven’t seen her eat very much lately, but now that you are both out at dinner, she seems to be eating more than she normally would. Dinner is over, and as you wait for the bill, she seems anxious. She excuses herself to the bathroom, but is gone for a really long time. As you are about to get up to see if she is ok, she comes out, but refuses to look you in the eyes.

Maybe the scenario you’re imagining is your mother. She’s been distancing herself from the family. She’s alone a lot. You can’t remember the last time you heard her laugh. It feels like nothing makes her happy anymore, even the things that used to. She goes about her day doing all the things that need to be done, but she’s lost the joy that used to be so commonplace.

In all of these situations, and many others that might come to mind, there’s probably a feeling in your gut that something’s wrong. No matter how hard you try to wish it away, that interior nudge telling you that you need to say something just won’t go away. That ‘gut feeling’, or nudge, is there for a reason. So what do you do?

Unfortunately, we often do nothing. We are afraid of offending the person, afraid that it is not our place to say something. We are afraid we will say all the wrong things. So, we wait. We wait in hopeful anticipation, praying that someone else will say something. Or, we hope that maybe our loved-one will come to us and ask for help. As we fight these thoughts, the one we love and know is in need, is just waiting for one person who is not afraid to ask them…“Are you ok?”

In my counseling practice, I’m commonly approached with questions and phrases like… “I have a friend who needs counseling, but I don’t know how to approach them. Can you give me some advice on what to say?” It’s a very complicated question, with a multitude of answers. Every situation is very different. Keeping that in mind, I’d like to offer you six helpful hints that may help. (These can be adapted for different situations.) I must stress that the most dangerous thing is to say nothing at all. We cannot let our fear get in the way of reaching out to help someone in need.

6 HELPFUL HINTS

1. PRAY ABOUT IT: An important first step, because it reminds us that as we face our fears, we are not alone. The greatest fear that I hear is “I’m afraid that I’ll say all the wrong things and possibly somehow make things worse.” Whenever I speak to a client, I always start by saying a prayer and ask for the Holy Spirit to speak through me. This way, my words will be His words, and therefore, be the words that I need to say. Try it, trusting in the Holy Spirit to guide you.
2. KNOW YOUR MOTIVATION: When we reach out to a family member or friend in need, we are doing it out a love for them. This is your motivation; you are doing it because you want what is best for them, and you don’t want to see them hurting. As you talk to them about your concerns, say that you come to them with this concern out of love.
3. BE PREPARED: Before you talk to your loved-one, prepare yourself. Think about what it is that you want to say and what is it that you want them to understand. Sometimes we have so many concerns and emotions about a situation that the purpose of our conversation can get lost. I recommend picking one or two things that are your biggest concerns. Focus your effort on those areas. These should be things that are broad and should be able to include many of your smaller concerns inside the larger concern.
4. ANTICIPATE THEIR REACTION: After you voice your concern, there are a number of responses that may be involved. These responses could include, but are not limited to: denial, avoidance, fear, anger, and/or defensiveness. Some may try to change the subject, or may try to lighten the mood by using humor. The loved-one may believe that they have been hiding their feelings or actions so well that there may be an element of shock that their problem has been noticed. It is important to let them have these emotions, whatever they might be, and to not get into a debate with them. Say something like. “I understand that you feel this way. I care about you too much not to say something.” I know that it looks like you are hurting, and I want you to know that I am here to help, and that you are not alone.”
5. DON’T GIVE UP: It may take time for your loved-one to admit that they need help. Don’t give up on them. Sometimes the denial and fear is very strong, and it takes time for them to become open to help. However, don’t be discouraged. Know that even if they seem mad or are in great denial, at least now they know that someone cares and that they are not alone. They also have someone who they can talk to about their struggles. Leave the door open for them to come talk to you again, and don’t be afraid to bring it up again if you don’t see the behavior getting better or if your loved-one isn’t taking steps to change.
6. CONSULT WITH PROFESSIONALS: Sometimes situations are more than you can handle. If you have someone in your life who is suicidal (Click Here for Suicidal Warning Signs) or is in a life-threatening situation, it is important to contact a professional. If there is ever any doubt for someone’s safety, immediately call 911 or your local emergency number for help.

It only takes one. One person to step outside of their comfort zone. One moment, one question, one hand reached out to help. If you know a friend who needs help, don’t be afraid to be the one person who chooses to make a difference.

Imagine… it’s a Friday night at your local (and very busy) grocery store. There are cars going all different directions and the parking lot is crowded. The drivers seem lost in their own thoughts. As you go inside and reach for a cart, something catches your eye. It’s a little girl with her mother, standing right outside of the store on the sidewalk. With all the hustle and bustle, it’s obvious that no one else seems to have noticed this mother and daughter pair, but for some reason you stop to watch. As you watch them prepare to head to their car, you see the mother stop and look down into her purse to get her keys, and then you realize that the little girl has not stopped walking, but that she is heading straight for the busy parking lot. All alone, she walks ahead, not noticing the car coming right at her. What do you do? Without thinking, you run after the little girl and stop the traffic. You get the mom’s attention. You do whatever you need to do to save that little girl. No questions asked. It doesn’t matter what else is going on in that moment… you do whatever it takes to save her. Fast forward… now that little girl has an eating disorder, poor body image, no self- worth, a cutting problem, alcoholism and/or drug abuse, suicidal tendencies, or some other problem. Are you going to just sit there and watch, letting the traffic run into her or are you going to step in and do something to help save her?

If you or someone you know needs help, please contact me, or a local therapist in your area. My contact information is available on my website, www.DiNuzzoCounseling.com.

P.S. You are enough.

“Courageous” Opens Tomorrow

VERY RARELY do I get excited about a movie debuting in the theaters.  To put my theater-movie-watching in perspective, the last two movies I’ve seen in the theater have been “Tangled”, which I took my oldest daughter to as a special daddy-daughter date and the 4th Indiana Jones.  (That one came out in the summer of 2008.)  So, you can see that I don’t frequent the movie theater.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy movies, but I struggle terribly to find time to go to the theater and I struggle even more with paying ticket prices for movies nowadays!  (Tangled was a matinee with a coupon, and someone gave me free passes for Indiana Jones.)

BUT… I must say that I am VERY excited about an upcoming movie that is making its way to the big screen tomorrow (Friday, September 30, 2011).  The movie is called “Courageous”.  The producers of this film also produced the movie “Fireproof” (and a few others), which I thought was a good movie.  If “Fireproof” was good, “Courageous” is great!  I had the privilege of pre-screening the movie with my colleagues at our office and have the honor of being part of The King’s Men, one of the ministry-resources for men after they see the movie.

For the pre-screening, I went in very skeptical.  I went in believing that Sherwood Pictures was going to make the movie cheesy with Bible innuendos and very heavy, to the point of burdensome, like they did in “Fireproof”.  Not so.  “Courageous” was very well done and had just the right amount of the “Jesus-factor” so as to still be relate-able as a tool for evangelization purposes with men who are non-believers.  This movie has action, drama, suspense, thrills, excitement and a host of other great characteristics.  I cannot recommend this movie high enough.  Go see it, even at current ticket prices, and show Hollywood that Americans want good, wholesome entertainment and not the garbage they have been spewing for years.

This movie is real.  It is about real men, attempting to live through some real life issues and situations.  It’s very practical and very helpful.  The acting is top notch, the storyline is right on and the cinematography is great.  Again, I cannot recommend this movie enough. (The trailer is located on our homepage on the right side.)

After you see the movie, you may want to get involved.  If you desire to follow in the example of the men in the movie, and become part of a small men’s group, I have a turn-key solution for you.  I’m happy to recommend a format for a men’s small group meeting that is easily duplicated, dynamic, and proven.  We do not charge dues, have no membership and offer incredible support to our leaders.  Don’t try to reinvent the wheel – we have the track record of  a program that works.  Men’s lives are changed because of it.  Men who invest themselves into a men’s small group experience extreme growth and positive change.  Don’t wait another day!  If your parish/church/group/city/area gather enough men together, I can personalize a leader’s training workshop for you and train all of your facilitators in a day-long training session, complete with resource manual and all the how-to’s and nuts and bolts you could ever need.

If we don’t currently have any groups nearby, maybe this is the day you step up and start one.  Contact me for all the resources and support you need.  Info@TrueManhood.com.

TrueMan up!

From Her Perspective

The following is a poem written by a woman – a wife, a mother – that was devastated by her husbands addiction to pornography.  I don’t know the name of the poet, but I’ve spoken with many women who share her feelings.  Please take a few minutes and read this powerful poem.

“I Looked For Love in Your Eyes.”

I saved my best for you.
Other girls may have given themselves away,
But I believed in the dream.
A husband, a wife, united as one forever.

Nervous, first time, needing assurance of your love,
I looked for it in your eyes
Mere inches from mine.
But what I saw made my soul run and hide.

Gone was the tenderness I’d come to know
I saw a stranger, cold and hard
Distant, evil, revolting.
I looked for love in your eyes
And my soul wept.

Who am I that you cannot make intimate love to me?
Why do I feel as if I’m not even here?
I don’t matter.
I’m a sexual prop in a filthy play.
Not an object of tender devotion.

Where are you?

Years pass
But the hardness in your eyes does not.
You think I’m cold
But how can I warm to eyes that are making “mental sex” to someone else
Instead of making love to me?

I know where you are.
I’ve seen the pictures.
I know now what it takes to turn you on.
Women…someone’s young daughter like I once was

Women …. But artificially enhanced, acting, used and then discarded.
Images burned into your brain.
How could you think they would not show in your eyes?
Because souls don’t matter, only female bodies do
To men who consume them.

Did you ever imagine,
The first time you picked up a dirty picture
That you were dooming all intimacy between us
Shipwrecking your marriage
Breaking the heart of a wife you wouldn’t meet for many years?

If it stopped here, I could bear it.
But you brought the evil into our home
And our little boys found it.
Six and eight years old.
I heard them laughing, I found them ogling, their innocence now gone.

Little boys
My little boys
Laughing and ogling the sexual body
Of a woman, a woman like me.
Someone like me!

An image burned into their brains.

Will their wives’ souls have to run and hide like mine does?
When does it end?

I can tell you this. It has not ended in your soul.
It has eaten you up. It is cancer.
Do you think you can feed on a diet of distorted fantasies
And come out of your locked room to love?

You say the words, but love has no meaning in your mouth
When self-centeredness rules in your heart.
Your addiction has eaten up every vestige of the man
I thought I was marrying.
Did you ever dream it would so consume you
That your wife and children would live in fear of your hidden problem?

That is what you have become
Feeding your soul on poison.

I’ve never used porn.
But it has devastated my marriage, my family, my world.

Was it worth it?

If you are a woman dealing with your husband’s addiction to pornography, or any man’s addiction to pornography, you are not alone.  There are numerous resources available.  I’m an open door and welcome your emails or phone calls anytime.  Email me at Dave(at)TrueManhood(dot)com or call our offices at (412) 475-TRUE.

Men – it is time to stop thinking that your pornography use doesn’t effect anyone else.  It effects every part of your life, every relationship and every future relationship.  If you need help with your addiction, please contact me for a list of resources.

If any women are reading this who are addicted (studies say that 1 out of every 5 women is addicted to pornography), there are great resources for you as well.

TrueMan up!

Covenant Eyes – Protect Yourself & Family

TrueManhood Men’s Ministry has teamed up with Covenant Eyes to bring you and yours important accountability and filtering software protection for your electronic devices.  Today is the day – start protecting yourself now.

Click this link to receive your first month free.

Covenant Eyes provides not only a filtering service, but also accountability for the user.  For any man working on personal growth, accountability is essential.  This software not only protects you from what you see and come across online, but also sends a list of all sites and content viewed while online to your accountability partner.  (Your closest friend, your spouse, whomever.  Hey, you could send it to your grandma if that’ll help you stay pure!)  Covenant Eyes can track across a wide variety of devices and operating systems, with many more to come.  For more info on this product, check out covenanteyes.com.

TrueMan up!