Vince DeStefano – Movement of My Heart in Words

My friend and fellow TKM brother, Vince DeStefano, sent me this small excerpt of something he wrote while he was praying this morning.  Vince is real – he’s a TrueMan in every sense of the word, and he’s sincere.  He’s a great man, a great husband, a great father and a great friend.  He’s incredibly generous and humble.

Regardless of what your sin is, read through this and put yourself in the place of “I”.

“Lost in a deep thicket, hidden in an unknown forest, I cry out in desperation.  Christ approaches me directly,cutting through material with pure light and creating a straight path in his wake.  He reaches me, and I feel intense shame and unworthiness.  I plead to him, and though He remains wordless in reply I understand that my sins encumber me, realizing now that my feet are tangled in the brush.  Christ turns and walks back from whence He came, taking with Himself the brilliance yet leaving an illuminated path, still straight, and seeming to implore me to determine the nature of the weeds which entangle my feet in order to destroy them and then fully pursue my purpose. While of course wishing to remain in His intense light of reprieve from temporal encumbrance, I’m left with renewed Faith, Hope, and compelling Love, filled with eagerness and determination to tear myself from Satan’s thorns and run after my Savior.”

TrueMan up!

Through Thick and Thin

Thanks to my man Travis for sending this video along.  Blew him away, so he sent it.  Blew me away, so I’m posting it.

Chris Medina – I have no idea if you made it past the initial cuts, but that doesn’tmatter.  You’re doin’ it right, bro.  You made all the men who strive to serve their wives step up their service and love.  Keep on.

Stories like this one should make us all stop and look at what we do and how we spend our days.  We were created for something more than ourselves and for something better than we have currently.  Striving for perfection, as Scripture instructs us, is so very hard.  Living a life of service, as a man of God, is hard.  Hard as it may be for Chris and his fiancée, I bet if you asked him if he’s happy, he’d tell you he’s more happy today than ever before.  Maybe he’ll read this and let us know first-hand.

Wow.

TrueMan up!

Couldn’t Disagree More

In this video, Ted Haggard spouts off about forgiveness and restoration.  Haggard, an ex-evangelical preacher, you may recall, was caught up in a web of lies when his gay male prostitute “mistress”, also a meth addict, outed him and exposed him to not only his wife and children, but to his congregation (New Life Church in Colorado Springs – a non-denominational mega church) and the world.  Haggard was destroyed in the tabloids, the news, the reports, on the web and especially in Christian circles.  He was a fraud and led many astray because of his actions.

When Haggard speaks of restoration, he speaks as though he deserves it.  Although he can be forgiven, his attitude doesn’t seem (at least not to me) to be in the right place and it doesn’t seem that he wants to take any responsibility.  I’ve seen him in other videos and have always felt the same about those interviews.  He seems to place a lot of blame and like he doesn’t want to accept his consequences.  Not very manly, if you ask me.  ”…Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

I couldn’t disagree more with what he says in this video.  He speaks of “the church”, as most Protestants do, as the group of people who believe in Christ.  As Catholics, we speak of “The Church” in a different way and I think that, as She always has, The Church does a great job of restoring people.  It’s frustrating to see a video like this because this ex-pastor, who still has influence on people and can give them reasons not to believe, feels like he can say whatever he wants with complete disregard for who hears it or who he affects.

Watch it and see what you think.  Leave me comments.

TrueMan up!

Great Resource For Women – “Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You”

I came across this great website by a lady named Ashley Weis.  See her site HERE.  Ashley writes strictly to women, to be a support and a source of inspiration to them.  Ashley’s story is a good one – the wife of a man with an addiction to pornography.  This topic is a topic that spurs a lot of questions.  Many women ask me about this topic – how can I help my _________? (fill in the blank).  Sometimes it’s “my husband”, “my boyfriend”, “my dad”, etc.  I know how to help the men, I don’t necessarily know how to help the women.  I was very relieved when I found out about Ashley’s resources.

My wife is a great resource in this process of healing, as she too is the wife of a recovering pornography addict.  She is a Licensed Professional Counselor and really good at what she does.  She has some insights into the feelings, emotions, prayers, healing and trust that goes into all this.  If you’d like to talk with Catherine, feel free to email us at ContactUs@TrueManhood.com and we’ll pass your email along to her.

For women who might be reading this, I hope that either Catherine or Ashley, or any of the other women that are resources on this topic, can be a source of peace and healing for you if you are dealing with this trauma.

For the men reading this, I urge you to see the hurt and pain through a woman’s eyes/thoughts.  It should speak volumes to us and help our behavior.  If you know of a woman in your life who needs to read this, please forward the link to them.

Ashley recently wrote a great article for the Covenant Eyes blog.  I share it with you below.  (BTW: if you’re looking for a great internet security software, Covenant Eyes is a great one.  It might cost a bit of money, but a few dollars a month is worth your salvation, don’t you think?!)

Here’s the blog entry from Ashley that was posted at the Covenant Eyes Blog:

Yes, She’s More Beautiful Than You

“I nuzzled my face into his chest, peered up at him, and said, “I just want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to you.”

Silence.

Immediately, I replayed memories. Like the day I found explicit links on the computer. And the night he confessed to viewing pornography at work while I waited for him at home—pregnant.

“Silence doesn’t make me feel any better,” I said, hoping he’d say something to reassure me.

“I don’t want to say something that’s not true.”

“So, there are women you think are more beautiful than me?” He didn’t answer, but I pried.

“There have been. Yes.”

I gulped and restrained tears. “What about them?” He named qualities. Attributes I already knew he found attractive, but hearing the words ripped my heart into a thousand pieces.

When I begged for a deeper understanding, he asked, “Would it help if I gave you an actual person?” He gave me a celebrity’s name. I thanked God it wasn’t someone we knew.

Then I asked a question I shouldn’t have asked, “So, if you stood her next to me, you would think she was more beautiful?”

“Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.”

Tears rained for an hour. I thought I’d never heal after such devastation. Beauty was stolen from me. My essence was torn apart. I never imagined feeling beautiful again, not after my dearest companion whispered the heart-wrenching words, ‘Yes, she’s more beautiful than you.’

Agonizing thoughts popped up every time my husband and I made love. Whenever we were in public, I feared seeing a woman with the qualities he named. And I cried every time I saw my reflection in a mirror.

I had to do something, but what?

Divorce was out of the question. I didn’t want to break my wedding vows. I didn’t want to run from problems. But I didn’t know how to heal. Sometimes just looking at my husband brought tears. I missed the way our relationship sparkled in the beginning. I wanted us back. But every time I looked into his eyes I felt unwanted and ugly.

My husband began to change. He battled lust and asked God to purify his heart. Even so, whenever he told me I was beautiful, I cringed.

People often reminded me that beauty isn’t reflected in a woman’s appearance—it’s all about her heart. But every time I saw another woman I’d compare myself. And whenever my husband looked at me I’d wonder if I was beautiful enough.

Surely, beauty had something to do with appearance; otherwise God wouldn’t have created women to be beautiful and men wouldn’t be so visually stimulated by their wives. But how could I feel beautiful in my own skin after my husband ranked me below other women? He said he had changed, and his actions proved that his heart was being purified more every day, but I still positioned myself below those women and felt unattractive.

After many agonizing nights of locking my husband out of the house and handing over my wedding rings, I woke up, looked in the mirror, and asked God to help me view myself through His eyes—not my own or my husband’s.

For the first time I saw beauty. But it wasn’t a familiar beauty.

Stripped of make-up and hair products, I saw beauty in my reflection. I saw a woman crafted by God. And He doesn’t make mistakes. Every flaw somehow vanished when I realized that my imperfections were beautiful to Him.

The same God that orchestrates beautiful sunsets created me! Looking at myself and believing I needed make-up, hair straighteners, and tan skin to create beauty was pretty much telling God, “Sorry, but you didn’t cut it. I need to add some things, take away some things, and then I’ll be beautiful.”

It’s not easy to feel this way every minute of the day. Satan seeks to destroy me. He throws arrows at my deepest wounds and worst insecurities. He wants me to feel like I need to prove myself. Like I need something else in order to be good enough. Whether it’s my body or personality, he is always trying to make me think I’m lacking something. God wants me to rest in who I am. Satan doesn’t. It’s like a tug of war for my heart. God builds me up and Satan schemes to bring me down. I don’t want to let him.

Yes, I still wonder if I’m good enough for my husband. I still battle the wow-I-wonder-if-he-likes-that-woman thoughts. But I have learned to view my beauty through God’s eyes. And in turn, I’m not so dependent upon anyone’s opinion other than God Himself.

I hope I will continue to realize the “I’m not good enough” feeling is a lie. There is no perfect woman. God created me to be me. Confidence is a beautiful thing, and I want that! Not stylish clothes, but the godly confidence God created me to have. I desire a smile that beams when the world is crashing down.

I am learning to love myself, appreciate the gifts and positive qualities God gave me, and thank Him for them. I am still learning and struggling, but most of all, still fighting and loving.

Truly, I feel as though my beauty has been resurrected since I looked at myself through God’s eyes, and stopped trying to attain the sex appeal advertised on billboards or advertisements. Although it’s still difficult not to desire that kind of sexiness, God has shown me a different side of beauty. A beauty that He finds attractive, because He created it.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to rid myself of the words my husband said. They still tumble through my thoughts and spin my heart. But I have learned to stop believing them. I’ve learned that I do not need affirmation from the world in order to know I am beautiful. Now, when I brush make-up on my face, I know it’s not necessary; it’s only a fun accessory. Real beauty is created by God, not me.

I can shout with full confidence, “I am beautiful,” because the King of Kings fashioned me. And no one can take that beauty away from me.”

Most. Disgusting. Thing. Ever.

Have you heard of the couple in Minneapolis that is putting the life of their child up to the results of a “Life or Abortion” poll?  I hate even giving them any publicity because of how heinous and disgusting their actions are.

The couple, who won’t be named, have decided to create a poll on their website, also not named, to let the public determine whether or not they should keep their child or abort their child.  The couple is pregnant, and almost 20 weeks along.  If you visit their site, you’ll see all sorts of stuff, and namely, you’ll see relatively new ultrasound pictures.  They speak of their child as if it is a human child, not merely a blob or a muscle mass, or tissue, or any of the other “choice” words used to diminish the truths of nature.  The couple claims that this isn’t a publicity stunt (clearly it is) and that they aren’t swayed one way or the other just yet.  I’m disgusted by this father’s utter lack of manliness in this situation. Absolutely disgusted.

First off, a TrueFather does everything in his power to protect his children.  He does not put them up for auction, for spectacle, for amusement.  He does not harm them.  He does not take them for granted.  He does not murder them.

Secondly, a TrueHusband does everything in his power to protect his wife.  He does not exploit her. He does not make a spectacle of her.  He does not harm her.  He does not make choices that will cause long-lasting negative emotional, physical and psychological effects.

This male is not a TrueMan.  He’s not being a good father.  He’s not being a good husband.  In fact, he’s completely disregarding everything that is manly (virtue!) and choosing vice.  I am incredibly saddened for this couple, for their child, for everyone who has been exposed to this sort of crap and to anyone who actually considers this legitimate.  Let us unite together in prayer for the conversion of this couple and for the end to abortion and all attacks against human life.

NOTE: It has been speculated that this is, in fact, a publicity stunt in favor of the pro-life movement.  Regardless of the actual intention of the couple, this is incredibly stupid and should not be considered pro-life.

TrueMan up!

An Act of Heroism

This clip isn’t easy to watch, and my heart goes out to this mother and child.  What a great example of virtue and TrueManhood from this husband and father.  The man’s father puts it well by saying that love will fix the situation.  It may seem ridiculous to some, but love heals.  Afterall, do you think God liked seeing His Son dying on the cross?  Not a chance.  But, the love which Christ poured out for us, by giving up His life, was love at its core.  This man, Brian Wood, knew what it meant to love.

 

 

 

This piece shows me several things:

1. Our society has a drastically obvious double-standard about pro-life issues.  Notice how this pregnancy happens to be a baby – in this setting – but in most others, it’s simply a blob, a tissue-mass or an embryo.
2. Our society drastically misunderstands virtue.  If you notice, several times the gentleman’s actions were misinterpreted, saying that he made a choice and acted.  Although he did make a choice to sacrifice himself, he acted out of virtue.  The virtue of courage was obviously a part of this man’s life.
3. Our society will likely see a video clip like this and continue to abuse alcohol and drugs.  Selfishness runs rampant in our culture.  Fight it by not being selfish.  Be a selfless servant.

My condolences to the family.

TrueMan u!

I Must Do These Things!

I’ve been dropping the ball in an area of my life… consistently and repeatedly.  I’ve been neglecting the one thing that should be my number one priority.  I recently wrote an article all about priorities, yet I wasn’t really heeding my own advice.  I didn’t realize what I was doing, or how my actions and lack of thoughtfulness were really affecting the situation.  What it all really comes down to is that I’m selfish.  I acknowledge this shortcoming and desire to work on it.  I know that if  I don’t work on being selfless, as opposed to selfish, I will ruin the things that are most important to me.  Words, as in most situations, mean nothing when unsubstantiated by actions.  My actions have been speaking volumes, and I am not proud of what they have been saying.

I’m speaking about my wife.  She should be my top priority, but I take her for granted.  She should be my motivation, but I only give her whatever time is left over.  She should be who I concentrate on when I’m making plans, but instead I think only of myself.  I could continue on with a hundred more examples of what I should be doing, but that would just be talking.  I must show my wife, consistently and repeatedly, that what I profess with my mouth is also, and most importantly, what I DO.  My wife deserves better and I intend to make amends, right the ship and continue on.  It’s never easy to admit that I am struggling with something, and quite difficult not to become defensive about what I’ve done… but I’m striving for TrueManhood and I MUST do these things!  I must continue on, but I must strive to be like Christ.  I’m far from Him and unworthy of being followed sometimes, yet there’s one person who I can’t lead astray, and that’s my wife.

I write all of this to show that we’re all on a journey and that each of us must continually strive to grow in TrueManhood and ultimately, in holiness.  Never give up.  Continue to strive for perfection, as our Heavenly Father is perfect.

Man up!

GUEST BLOGGER: “Two Stories” by Ryan Kraeger

Ryan Kraeger was born in upstate New York, second of seven children, raised on a farm and homeschooled from first grade to highschool. He graduated at seventeen and joined the military the same week, choosing the MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) of Combat Engineer because he thought the video looked cool (it was primarily composed of explosions). Since then he has done many and varied things in the Army, including loading baggage on planes in Fort Hood Texas, spending a year in the Republic of Korea, patrolling and raiding in Iraq, and building bridges and uncovering IED’s in Afghanistan. Currently he is in training to be a Green Beret, learning his target language, Korean, before going on to the world’s finest and most intensive medic course.  Ryan is also an avid reader and amateur writer, you can read more of his writing at his website.

Two Stories:  Stories bump, stories merge, stories permeate each other. Stories can even unite. Only God can keep track of all the stories and how they interact. It is a vast, complex, multi-dimensional web, a tapestry of infinite complexity and beauty. The work of God in each life is not separate from His work in every life. What He does for me, He is doing for everyone else in the world, through me. Whatever He does for anyone else, He does for me, through them, whether we ever meet or not. It is God’s nature to be a union, and it is His nature to bring about union among His creatures, little by little and partially in this world, and then finally and totally in the next world, where all who are in union with Him will be in union with each other.  We get hints of it, even now.

Imagine a young girl, maybe fifteen or sixteen, who is in a bad dating relationship in high school. Her boyfriend is controlling, orverbally abusive, or is pressuring her to have sex or join in with his drug or alcohol habit, or whatever the case may be. She has compromised too much with too many, and isn’t sure how much she has left to give up, or why she’s bothering anymore. She’s not an innocent little girl anymore. She feels tarnished. Her whole life is a scramble to find acceptance, which for her means popularity with the right bunch of teenage girls, and being noticed by the right teenage boys. Her relationship with her parents and siblings has completely unraveled. She is lost, drifting, miserable, empty, and too busy to notice it. All her thought and energy is bent on the one thing that she thinks will keep her head above water, keep her life meaningful and worthwhile, and he isn’t worth the time of day. The preoccupation consumes her, and she doesn’t know what’s wrong, or where she should turn, or what she should do. Now, imagine that one day she is sitting somewhere, perhaps looking out the window of the school bus, or sitting on a park bench, or standing in a group of teenagers on the corner. Purple streaked hair, too much makeup, tight jeans, halter top, book bag and IPod, she looks just like any one of millions of girls her age, but she is not. She is God’s beloved daughter, His Princess, His Darling. I think God sometimes sends parents only one child, as a symbol of how much He loves each one of us, as if I were the only one.

Let’s put our girl on the bus. She’s sitting on her seat, looking out the window, with one hand jealously clutched by the boy who is sitting next to her. She lets him hold her hand, not because she really enjoys it, but just because that is what you do. If you’re in a relationship, you hold hands, you sit on his lap, you argue about how far you are willing to go. That’s just what you do.

Suddenly, through the window, she sees another couple. They are very old, in their sixties or seventies or eighties or something. To her teenage mind they hardly even register as people anymore. They are like museum pieces, totally irrelevant to her world of hard music, slamming lockers, filthy jokes and innuendo, and constant noise, noise, noise, noise. She has passed by this same couple sitting on their porch a hundred times and never seen them, but her King has a gift for her today. He opens her eyes, for a second, an instant, a heartbeat, just long enough. The old man takes the old woman’s hand and smiles at her. The old woman smiles back. All hell screams in fury, as years of lies, deceit, hate, sneering and malice are threatened all in an instant. They rush around, frantically trying to crush the new thoughts and wonderings and vague, painful longings, and they are mostly successful. They are very good at what they do. Before the bus reaches the corner, their rotten construction is standing in all its ugliness once again. God lets it go, because He knows more than they do. Something has been planted deep in her heart, and though she forgets in a minute, anxious not to threaten the card castle she has so carefully built for herself, she can never be the same again. One old man, on an ordinary day, for no particular reason other than that he just felt like it, did what he’d been doing for fifty years. He loved his wife. He never met that teenage girl, but for ever after her heart will be just a little harder to satisfy. She will want just a little more from the man in her life, her standards will be just a little bit higher. It will cause her no end of grief, because the higher your standards, the easier they are to disappoint, but her heart will have moved one fraction closer to realizing the dangerous truth, that she is more precious than this entire planet, and all the galaxies of the universe. Her Prince came to earth and died for her, and so she deserves more. All hell will stand between her and that truth, but because one old man loved his wife, her heart moved a fraction closer to it, and it can never be moved back.

Tuesdays with Daddy – My Primary Vocation & Responsibility

Sometimes it’s hard to clearly determine priorities.  What’s really number one in my life?  Why is it number one?  What else must occur in order for number one to stay number one?  As a husband and father, my primary vocation is to care for my wife and children, and this is where priorities get sticky for me.  In order to care for them, I need to be with them, but at the same time, I also need to provide shelter, clothing, food and safety – the essentials.  In order to provide the essentials, I have to earn money.  In order to earn money, I have to be away from them, either at my office, on the road speaking or at other locations outside the home.  Since I’m also studying for my master’s degree, my time is taxed heavily.  This isn’t even to mention upkeep of the house and vehicles, house chores and other necessary errands that must be completed.  How do I determine rankings of my responsibilities?

I’ve found that taking myself out of the equation is the best way to make the determinations.  What?  Here’s what I mean… I try to remove my desires, my wants, my preferences and instead, place my wife and children (and all of their needs, wants and desires) first.  When I do this, I find that my emotions are kept in check (even though I might want to be making money, hanging with my guy friends or watching a game).  When my emotions are kept in check, I am able to clearly determine what’s important.  Keep in mind, that making money isn’t bad, and hanging with your guy friends isn’t bad.  They are both goods things.  However, if making money, hanging out with your guy friends or any other activity/project/endeavor takes you away from your priorities, they become distractions and hindrances.

So, when determining priorities, I recommend removing yourself and your emotions from the decision making process.  Once you do that, your mind will be clear and you’ll be able to clearly make the right decisions.  Best of luck.

Man up!

Pictures Speak Louder

So I’m on vacation with my wife… we’re here in Florida, enjoying the sun, the pools and the theme parks.  I don’t plan to post every day, but I saw something today that I had to address.  We were riding on our shuttle and a newlywed couple got on.  I knew they were newlyweds by their shirts.  The bride modeled a white tank with rhinestones spelling out “bride”.  The groom, however, sported a black t-shirt with a picture that spoke much louder than words ever could.

This message, “Game Over”, depicting a groom and bride, shows not only a distane for marriage, but a lack of respect for one another in the bond that just took place through the marriage vows.  I’ve got lots of problems with this shirt, but here are my two biggest beefs:

1. He, (if he’s even close to a man) asked her to marry him.  He asked her if she would spend the rest of her life with him.  Why do men (typically, in society) see marriage as “game over”?  Marriage is an incredible gift, an amazing relationship between best friends that work with God to be co-creators of life.  Why can’t this guy, and other men everywhere, see this? 

2. The bride, who just vowed her life to this man, is okay with him wearing this shirt.  She’s okay with him wearing it in public.  She’s okay with him proudly displaying his viewpoint of what his new and exciting relationship is all about.  Essentially, he’s saying “My past life of fun and freedom is over” and she’s saying “He’s right”.

What a shame.  I hope that somewhere, at least one man and one woman reads this post and changes their viewpoint on what a marriage can be.  I know the other side of this “Game Over” t-shirt.  I know the side of marriage that brings about life, with a woman that I love and share my entire life with.  I actually like being with her, spending time with her, sharing my life with her.  Best of luck to this young couple; I hope they make it past this sort of attitude and have a long and lasting relationship.

Man up!

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