Through Thick and Thin

Thanks to my man Travis for sending this video along.  Blew him away, so he sent it.  Blew me away, so I’m posting it.

Chris Medina – I have no idea if you made it past the initial cuts, but that doesn’tmatter.  You’re doin’ it right, bro.  You made all the men who strive to serve their wives step up their service and love.  Keep on.

Stories like this one should make us all stop and look at what we do and how we spend our days.  We were created for something more than ourselves and for something better than we have currently.  Striving for perfection, as Scripture instructs us, is so very hard.  Living a life of service, as a man of God, is hard.  Hard as it may be for Chris and his fiancée, I bet if you asked him if he’s happy, he’d tell you he’s more happy today than ever before.  Maybe he’ll read this and let us know first-hand.

Wow.

TrueMan up!

Changing a Man

Is it possible to change a person?  Specifically, is it possible to change a man?  I hear this topic brought up a lot, especially in the case of bad relationships.  The question is frequently asked in regards to a man who isn’t doing what he’s supposed to be doing.  The question is frequently coming after hindsight kicks in and someone recognizes that they picked a less-than-perfect-man to date, marry or befriend.

So, what do you think?  Is it possible to change a person?  Is it possible for a person with little-to-no-potential to change?  I firmly believe so!  Why do I believe so firmly in this?  Because I changed!  I change everyday, I strive to get better, I strive to change my ways – further away from my desires, interests and comforts, and more towards Christ Jesus!  I think we all have the internal power to change for the better.

I write this post because I see situations regularly, and some very “close to home”, that cause me to wonder why people (men specifically) don’t change!?!  There are so many wonderful things in life to experience, and so much good to be done, and so many people to influence for the positive… why do some people wallow in their filth?  It boggles my mind.

I look at my life and notice that I desire change.  If my wife isn’t happy with something I’m doing, I don’t become defensive and argumentative, I work on getting better!  If my children aren’t responding to my parenting, I don’t blame them, I work to be a better father.  If my prayer life isn’t as strong as I need it to be, I don’t get angry at God, I pray more.  You see, in my life, I have learned that I must be the cause for the change I want to see.  I can’t blame others for things I don’t like.  I can’t sit around and stay stagnant.  I can’t be okay with mediocre.  I must work to grow, to change, to be the man that God created me to be.  We all must do this!

One other thing here… If you know a guy who needs to change, give him the chance.  Have really high expectations and don’t settle for second best.  He has the potential to be better, he just might need to see that someone expects more out of him and that it really does matter how he lives, treats others and believes.  However, if you’ve given someone a chance, and they constantly choose to make poor decisions, to wallow in their filth and refuse to grow, be careful how much you invest in them.  I’m not telling you to stop investing in them, I’m merely suggesting that you be careful.  Ladies – if you are dating a man who doesn’t want to change, be very weary to stay with him.  You deserve a man who will strive to be the best he can be.  Don’t expect marriage to make it better, it may in fact make it worse.

TrueMan up!

What We’re Up Against

I found this two and a half year old video on YouTube a couple of weeks ago and have been wanting to post about it, but the timing just never seemed right to me.  I watched it again today and have some thoughts to share.  The video is below, but before you watch it, please be forewarned that many, if not all, of the elements of the video are incorrect.  Blatant disregard for the respect of men is apparent and falsehoods are rampant throughout.  Take a look and then we’ll discuss the problems.

First off, men are portrayed as lower-than Neanderthals in this video, that all we want is sex.  This perception comes from the large numbers of men who make this true.  For those of us who defy this stereotype, we have a long road ahead of us.  Men, if you fall into this stereotype, I challenge you to change your thinking, make better choices and being striving for virtue.  Come on, get with the program.

Secondly, many men have a hard time being friends with women because they 1. don’t know what friendship is, 2. are selfish, 3. have a vastly skewed view of the true beauty of women and 4. have never had an honest and pure relationship with a female.  All of these issues may, in many cases, stem from a man’s use of, exposure to or addiction to pornography.  Pornography has a devastating effect on men, their psyche and their ability to relate with other members of society.  Some men simply don’t know how to interact with others, specifically, women, but pornography creates a serious impediment to having healthy relationships.

Next, the video portrays men as liars.  If we want a solid relationship, we can’t lie.  Honesty, with prudence and tact, is always the best way to go.  Which brings us to the next part of the video… the questions from women.  As a married man, with lots of experience with this, let me help you out.  When the woman you are involved with (courting, engaged to, married to, etc.) asks a question (usually in the form of a rhetorical question), she may be looking for something specific from you in the answer.  If you’re married, and your wife asks “Do you think Angelina Jolie is prettier than me?” you quickly answer (truthfully) “No way.”  Simple.  The reason you’re “supposed to say no” is merely a way of affirming your wife’s beauty.  She shouldn’t really care if Angelina Jolie is prettier in reality or not, and neither should you.  (Personally, I don’t find Angelina Jolie pretty at all, so that answer is easy for me.)

“Do these jeans make me look fat?” – the answer is ‘no’.  You’re not lying, you’re affirming your wife’s beauty.  If the pants aren’t flattering, say so, but do it with charity and prudence, talking specifically about the jean’s deficiencies and never about your wife.  With both of these questions (prettier women and looking fat) they aren’t really asking you for your opinion on the matter, they may be trying to validate the relationship or your deep love for her.  Instead of letting it get to that point, I recommend affirming, complimenting and encouraging your wife well before these sorts of questions come up.  This should happen regularly.  I’m not perfect at it, so take it from me, you can make a lot of ground by answering quickly and positively.  This is always good to say – “I love you.  You’re incredible.  You’re beautiful and I’m lucky to have you.”  To some, this might sound like a canned lie response.  Let’s be clear here, I’m not saying that you should lie to her.  I’m suggesting that you believe those things and get to a point in your relationship where you really see the inner and outer beauty, the incredible nature of your wife and realize just how lucky you are.  Again, as I said before, if we want to be in a solid relationship, we cannot lie.

As for the last part of the video, if you “hear” this way, you’ve obviously got issues.  Don’t let anyone treat you like this, it’s degrading and disrespectful.  I encourage all men to not only hear, but listen.  Listening is the act of being attentive to what is being said.  Hearing is merely allowing your ears to do what they were created to do.

Men, this sort of video is rampant on the internet, in movies and television shows, in emails, songs and printed media.  If we want to change the perception of men, and challenge the men who are the way the video portrays all men to be, then we better get to work.  Start by cherishing your wife and encouraging her.

TrueMan up!

For Women – Is He Mr. Right?

I recently came across an online article titled “Is He Mr. Right?”  I was curious what the article said, doubting that any of it was substantive or even remotely helpful.  The information was, well, eh.  The article had five main points, and if your “Mr. Next” met all five, then voilà!  ”You’ve found Mr. Right!”  What do you think?

The first point was “He Listens to You”.  Huh?, what’s that?  Oh, sorry.  Although listening is a vital component to just about every human relationship, I don’t know that it’s essential in choosing Mr. Right.  The first point continues on, saying “you’ll know he listens to you when he shows genuine concern, consistently remembers things you’ve told him and offers emotional support in honest and thoughtful way.”  Well… I don’t think that the actions mentioned here are listening, although listening played a role.  The action is ‘showing’, ‘remembering’ and ‘offering’.  Listening doesn’t make things happen… doing does.  With that said, God gave us each 2 ears and only 1 mouth, meaning that we should probably listen twice as much as we talk.

The second point is rather silly… “He Connects with You.”  If a guy isn’t connecting with you, why are you dating him?

The third point is good, although not developed enough for my tastes… “He Wants the Real You.”  The author writes about a woman not giving up any part of her identity for a man, which is fine and good.  I think that when either person does that, it only leads to falsehood, and eventually, the truth comes out and problems come up.  I believe one of the best ways for the guy to really want the ‘real’ you, is for him to know you before you date.  This begins the topic of dating with a purpose, although we don’t have time for that here.

The fourth point is even better than the third.  Here it is, verbatim: “A relationship without trust is doomed from the start. But a relationship with abundant trust? A fabulous foundation for real and lasting love! Built over time, trust is based on the simple belief system that your partner has your best interests at heart and will never intentionally hurt you (and vice versa). If and when you discover that Mr. Next is 100 percent trustworthy, you’ll have no trouble giving your heart to him. In return, he’ll most likely give you his heart and pave the way for a lasting, loving relationship to unfold.”  Here’s my qualm with this on… be overly careful with who you give your heart to.  Just because he’s trustworthy, doesn’t make him worthy of your heart.  Be careful, please.

The fifth point isn’t all the great, at least not for the ‘all-encompassing’ characteristic that a man must have, blah blah blah.  ”He Enriches Your Life.”  Is that the best this author can do?  What about virtue here?  What about how he treats you?  What about how compatible your life goals, dreams and aspirations are?  Again, as with the second point, this seems a bit silly for me.

I think the author is missing the boat, unless, of course, the point of dating is solely to have fun.  If that’s the case, then what’s the point in even caring about Mr. Right?  Why not just care about Mr. Right-Now?  The point should be that dating with a purpose is the only way that a relationship will truly last and truly bring happiness to both people.  These relationships, however, must have Christ at their center if they want that happiness.  Ladies, please know that you are incredible.  God created you for greatness and you have nothing stopping you from that.  You deserve the best and should never compromise for a counterfeit version of the best.  So many women attempt to find value in the things that happen to them (compliments, stares, successes at work, awards, etc.) instead of finding true value in the fact that you are a daughter of God.  He is the only place for true fulfillment.

What’s Coming Next?

My apologies for not posting anything the past week.  Since I don’t have sponsors, paid advertisements and/or endorsements (hint hint, wink nudge) I don’t feel too guilty.  Actually, I was out of town visiting my very elderly grandmother and some of my extended family with my wife and children, computer time was very limited. TrueManhood.com has definitely been on my mind, but not a priority because much needed time with them was taking precedence.  So, since I haven’t written anything lately, I wanted to let everyone know what they can expect in the coming days.

Depending on what I see/hear about/come across/etc. “out there” in regards to TrueManhood, I’ll be posting whatever I think is worthy of a post.  Besides those stories, you can expect something on the following topics soon:

• Struggling with Lenten devotions, the struggle of Lent (general) and the tough days during Holy Week.
• Major League Baseball, Opening Day Special
• Holy Thursday – The Vortex, “Judas Today”
• An article about “supertaskers”
• A post about an irate hockey coach.  Temper, temper.
• A Dating Article
• A Eucharistic Miracle Video
• Plenty of other great stuff!

Until the next post, keep fighting the good fight!

Man up!

In Response – Great Questions

I recently received a comment with some great questions about my last post “Relationships Relationships“.  I would like to respond here and also encourage everyone to post comments so we can increase the communication on the site!  Keep asking great questions!  (At the bottom of every post is the comment box, called “SPEAK YOUR MIND”, like the box you see to the left.)

THE COMMENT: Dave – how do you effectively date with a purpose (towards marriage discernment) without putting undue pressure/stress on the relationship? I’ve been in a spot before where the constant evaluation of the question of “Is she the one?” gets in the way of enjoying a simple ice cream cone, kind of like being scrupulous and dwelling on it too much. It is hard to describe the feeling, but at some points it can feel like you’re viewing the other person as a means to an end, rather an end in and of themselves, and as Kant would say “Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, always at the same time as an end and never merely as a means to an end.” I know Kant wasn’t a church father but I think there’s a lot of value in that quote. In other words – sometimes I want to enjoy the company of my girlfriend as a fellow human being, enjoying either an ice cream cone or a game of poker, without stressing too much about the call to marriage.

Also – should there not be at least a certain respect/reason for the duration between engagement and marriage, in the sense of acknowledging the accepted commitment (of engagement) while also admitting the need to further understand the churches teachings on marriage (which perhaps wasn’t rigorously necessary while dating) such as NFP, the vocation/sacrament of marriage, etc? I imagine the wait can be very frustrating but I think it also has value.

Also, I mostly agree with you on arguments, but I do think you can still have disagreements on politics etc., and that’s ok and can make for fruitful discussion still. Also, hard to explain, but I think an argument can be okay now and then – if only in the sense that while no one directly wants to pursue argument/conflict, neither side wants to be a pushover either, always trying to avoid confrontation. It’s tricky though.

MY RESPONSE: in response to the first part of the comment about “undue pressure on the relationship”, I recommend getting to know the person you are thinking about dating before you start dating them.  This doesn’t always work, but in most cases I think it is what’s best.  For instance, if you are trying to figure out what sort of girl she is, observe her in public, with her friends and with strangers.  [A great tool for knowing how she treats others is to go out to eat and witness her interaction with the server.]  You can do this by spending time together in groups, at events, parties, whether with her friends, your friends or both.  It takes pressure off at the beginning of the friendship, instead of putting pressure on during the middle of one.  During this time of observation, you are being yourself, open and honest and living your life – hopefully she is too.  DO NOT EMOTIONALLY DATE THIS GIRL!!!  If you want to take her out, then Man up! and ask her out.  By learning who she is before you ask her out, you can make a realistic determination whether or not she is the type of woman you can see yourself in a relationship with.  By jumping into a relationship without knowing her, you are taking a chance later in the relationship.  This is why you “date with a purpose”, which actually starts LONG BEFORE you ever start dating someone.  Your public, private, spiritual and emotional life should be in order before you invite someone into it, and vice versa.  There’s a reality about dating with a purpose, that this relationship is going to end… it may end in break up, or it may end in marriage!  (funny, huh?!)    This doesn’t mean that you can’t go out and have fun, but I caution you against being in a relationship with someone simply because they are fun, or you have fun with them.  Certainly, fun/happiness/joy is a huge part of a relationship, but this girl isn’t your drinking buddy or the guys you go shoot hoops with.  She may very well be the mother of your children… that requires a lot of thought and virtue on your part!

In response to the second part of the comment about “engagement”, yes, you are correct to say that the time during engagement can be purposeful and valuable.  However, engagement is NOT a time to discern!  The discernment happens prior to the asking and accepting.  An understanding of the Sacrament and of the married life is important to have, preferably prior to the relationship but if not, then prior to engagement.  It’s not a “shot in the dark”, this is a for-sure decision… you’d better be certain about what’s happening.  So, for some couples, they’re going to need a full year, which most diocese/churches require for marriage prep.  Some other couples simply do not need that time.  I believe that it comes down to the couple’s formation and understanding of what they are about to embark on.  For my wife and I, we were ready and understood fully what we were embarking on.  Our engagement was about seven months long .  I know other couples that needed longer than 12 months.  As for NFP preparation, a woman can learn her cycle by charting (or whichever method the couple is going to utilize) after about three months.  Obviously, not every woman is going to have an experience like this.  I recommend that young women who are dating with a purpose start charting before engagement.  This doesn’t only tell them their fertile/unfertile days, it explains a lot about the female psyche, behavior, attitude and so on.  Again, I recommend that each couple decide with their marriage prep facilitators/priest where they are and how long they should be engaged.  Sometimes, the decision is made for you, depending on certain outside factors (deployments, graduations, moving, leases, family issues, jobs, etc.)

And in response to the third part of the comment about “disagreements and arguments”, I need to clarify what I mean by disagreements and arguments.  I do not mean differing in viewpoint, opinion or the like.  What I mean is when a couple is angry, frustrated, upset, etc. and they don’t care to look at the other point of view or to put the other person’s needs first.  Again, selfishness takes over in this case.  Yes, a couple is welcome to have differing opinions on things, and that can be healthy.  I think couples that have been together for at least a little while can determine the difference here and know what’s what.  Once a person understand love more fully (the greatest virtue, by the way!) they begin to look at life, their goals, their spouse, their kids, in a whole new light!

Kant was quoted earlier, but I want to quote John Paul II, “Love is the unification of persons.” (Love and Responsibility). If a man is unified with his spouse, his love will win out over disagreements and arguments.  We should all strive for this.

Thanks for your time on this one today!

Man up!

Relationships Relationships

It’s been requested by a frequent reader (I’m fairly certain that she checks the site daily from her RSS subscription!) for some relationship advice, encouragement and/or help.  Since we have several friends either newly married or soon-to-be married, I thought it was a good time to introduce some ideas about relationships.  [Thanks for the suggestion!]

No matter what stage of your life you’re in (single, dating, engaged, married), it’s important for us to all strive to be better.  Make today better than yesterday and make tomorrow better than today.  Personally, I tend to be very selfish (something I work on daily) and I often let my wife down in this area… an area in my life that keeps me from fully obtaining TrueManhood.  However, I know that it’s a weakness and I work on it.  I try to put her needs first, to think outside the normal day-to-day “to do list” box to go out of my way to show her how much I love her.  When I don’t do that, I fail in my role as her husband.  When I fail as a husband, I fail to fulfill TrueManhood.  If today I make some mistakes, I’ll work very very hard to not make those mistakes again tomorrow.

Our marriage is strong (one of the strongest I’ve ever come across) because we both strive to be better each and every day.  We have our off days, sure.  We also have incredibly strong days.  What’s great about my wife and me (and I can brag because 1. it’s true and 2. it’s my website!) is that we both desire to continue to grow.  We’re never okay where we are.  Striving for excellence and perfection in the Lord is our daily goal.  (In a spousal way, at work, with our kids, as siblings and in public.  Everywhere.)  No matter what stage of your life you’re in, strive to be better each and every day.

When we dated, the relationship worked well for us because we were both very grounded in the fact that we wanted to be married with children.  We had both had numerous relationships that all went asunder and we weren’t investing in a long term relationship to “just have fun”.  We were dating with a purpose.  The purpose for us was marriage.  If you’re in a dating relationship, I highly encourage you to date with a purpose.  You’ve probably heard it before, but I can’t stress enough the importance of having that purpose in dating.  It orients your entire being, your will, your mind toward the vocation that you’ve been called to by God.  Protect yourself by being in a relationship only with a person you can foresee marrying.  If you can’t see them being the parent of your children, and you can’t see yourself growing old with them, or they really really annoy you in a million different ways, then get out!  Call it off.  Dating isn’t about settling on the person you’ve been dating the longest, it’s about finding the right person for you.  If you listen hard enough, God will reveal the person He created just for you.  Once you find that person, you’ll know.  It’s an incredible thing.

Recently, my wife spoke at a college women’s event.  There was a “man panel” where the women could ask the men questions and get frank answers in return.  Although the guys tried (sorry guys, you missed the boat here), Catherine told me that they just didn’t get it.  When asked, “Tell us about your ideal date”, not a single man on the panel said anything about the girl.  They never mentioned doing anything that she liked, or finding out her favorite restaurant, or trying to make the date special for the girl.  I tell this little story to illustrate an important point in dating… do what the other wants to do!  Be sacrificial.  Bite the bullet.  Put the other’s needs and wants before your own.  Think outside yourself, it will bring great joy to both of your lives.

If you’re engaged, all I can say is, BUMP THE DATE UP AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!!!  Engagement was literally an earthly-purgatory for me.  I hated it.  The worst part of engagement is that you’ve made the commitment (minus the vows and Sacrament) and you want to be with this person all the time.  The saying goodnight and driving home at 2:00am.  The waiting.  The wedding planning.  Yuck.  I am so glad I’ll never go through that again.  If you’re in this stage, embrace it and go with the flow.  It’ll be over at some point.

I have a theory (for all stages of relationships)… it’s about arguments/fights/disagreements.  I am 100% convinced that in order for an argument, fight or disagreement to take place, one or both parties is acting or speaking out of selfishness.  Don’t be selfish!  Selfishness kills relationships.  Don’t do it!  (If you can think of an example where an actual argument, fight or disagreement has taken place where at least one of the people involved wasn’t selfish, I’d like to know about it.  Email me at Dave@TrueManhood.com.)

As I’ve written about before, Catherine and I have a saying we use in our marriage.  It’s like our motto.  It’s simple, really. “Always Make the Choice to Love.”  If you want to read more about this, check out an article I wrote for www.iibloom.com by clicking this link.

Man up!

A Dating Tip, or Two

The other day, I posted the “Superman Dates” video clip.  I got a little bit of feedback on it, and felt like it was important to talk about some other aspects of dating, for both ladies and guys.

Ladies: what I am about to say is always true, in every situation, no matter what.  YOU DESERVE NOTHING BUT THE BEST.  You do.  You deserve a man who respects you, who serves you, who cherishes you, who believes and demonstrates that there is no one more important or special for him and you deserve a man who puts his full energy and attention into your relationship.  If he doesn’t, then he’s not good enough for you.  Plain and simple.  If he doesn’t care enough to do the little things in a dating relationship, why would anyone ever expect him to start caring when you are married?  Or when times get tough?  Or when you have kids?  The little things he does/doesn’t do while dating are foreshadowing his future behavior. 

It’s also vitally important that you set you standards high, from the beginning.  If you wait until you’re in a relationship to create a list of “must haves” it will be incredibly difficult to see beyond the emotion, history and investment of your current relationship.  Once you create your list, don’t stray from it.  (Add to it, but don’t stray from it.)  If you grow, mature and change as a person, your list can change with you, as long as it’s what best for you and your future.

If all the women in the world increased their standards (and wouldn’t compromise on them) it would force men to change their behavior.  Now, I’m not saying that it’s the fault of females that men can be bad in relationships or in society or that they don’t know what it means to be a TrueMan.  What I’m saying is that if women were to have a standard and keep it, that men would have to check their crass, immature, childish, destructive behavior at the door and make positive choices to raise themselves up to be worthy of dating a woman.  Ladies, you hold the power to make your future bright by choosing a man that deserves you because you know that you deserve the very best.

Guys: I’ll most likely get into our part of the dating world in upcoming posts, but for now, read through the ladies’ section and check yourself.  If a woman had a list, would your actions, choices and behavior warrant you being selected as “sufficient”?  If not, think about things you can do to change so that when “the one” comes along, you’re ready to treat her like your queen.

Man up!

Superman Dates

I came across this video from BlueFishTV… funny stuff.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efI-spY4vZ0]

This lighthearted approach to making a few jokes about dating brings up some good points:

1. Dating is difficult – I’m married and boy, am I glad I don’t have to date any more.  The pressure, the games, the awkwardness.  Yuck.  Everyone is looking for love, which is a good thing.  Just know that it’s hard for both parties.

2. The success/failure of the date is typically based on the behavior of the male - Ladies, a man should be out to find you, win you over and have you fall in love with him.  It’s a quest for men, so let them do it.  This does NOT mean that you should lower your standards.  If some guy “blew your head right off…”, you better walk away a little faster than she did.

3. Just because you’re “super” doesn’t mean that you’re good at dating – don’t expect miracles just because some guy is popular, handsome or powerful (in one way or another).  Being super doesn’t make you a good match or a good boyfriend and it won’t make you a good spouse either.

Man up!