Daddy’s Rule – No Boys! It’s Not What You Think

From the time that I learned I was having a daughter (she’s almost 7 now), I began to formulate a rule for her.  I now have 3 daughters, and the rule is the same for all of them.  The rule… very simple: no boys.

As soon as this simple rule came to be, it was often laughed off by those who heard of it.  They assumed it to be some silly new-dad sort of over-compensation for fear of raising a daughter in this crazy world.  It was assumed to be sarcasm, and folly.  Many who thought they knew me associated my burly, rough, sometimes crass and overtly confident exterior with this rule as if I simply wanted to lock my daughter(s) up in the basement, never to see the light of day.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

Men – if you’re a dad, you should know that there’s nothing more important for a father than getting his children to heaven.  A major stumbling block for many of our children will be their life-choices, especially associated with choices about their relationships (friendships, intimate, romantic, marriage, etc.)  This particular area is not one where we can sit on the sidelines and hope that our children naturally make good choices.  We must be totally invested in them, from the word ‘go’, and know all the details as they grow.

How then do I justify this rule of “no boys”?  It’s very simple.  The opposite of manliness is childishness.  Manliness equals virtue.  So, when a man (read as “virtuous man”) comes into OUR lives… at a MUCH later date… and proves himself worthy of my daughter’s attention, involvement, affection, and potentially her ‘yes’ to marriage, it will be time for her to embrace her vocation to marriage (should it be so.)  I’m not, in the least, afraid of her vocation, because it comes from God and will be a major contributor towards her sanctification.  [FYI – I’ll discuss the topic of “courting” (versus dating) in a coming post.]

The “10 Rules to Date My Daughter” lists, and “Applications to Date My Daughter”, etc. etc. etc. aren’t where we should be.  We also shouldn’t be on the “Her Body, Her Rules – feminist father” side either.  (See a good post by Tom Hoopes in response to a recent pic floating around the interwebs.)  These fail to honor our daughters and their abilities, which speaks poorly of us as fathers.  We should be on the side of total investment in teaching our daughters that they are loved, that they are princesses (more on this below), and that they are worth the very best.

“That they are princesses” is important to explain.  Disney has hijacked the princess for the past 20+ years, and it appears that they will continue to hijack it for many more to come.  Our daughters don’t understand what “princess” truly means, they merely see bad examples of rebellious, poor-decision-making, spoiled little girls in those movies, instead of what a princess really is… the daughter of the King.  Jesus is King, and because He’s God, and we are His (God’s) children, thus we are welcomed into His royal family, and therefore, we’re all princes and princesses.  Princesses deserve the very best, by sheer nature of their birth, and that’s what we must instill in our daughters.  If our daughters know their worth, and how to make good decisions, we won’t have to worry about their choice in a spouse because it will be right.

I could go on and on with this topic, but I won’t.  Just make sure that if you’re a dad, that you spend time investing in your daughters each and every day.  And remember, “No Boys!”

TrueMan up!

Tuesdays with Daddy – Selfishness Impedes Service

My daughter has been sick for several days.  Because she is a toddler, it is difficult to really pinpoint what’s happening with her, what hurts and how to make her better.  I’ve been at a loss for exactly what to do, and although we’re trying, she doesn’t seem to be getting better.  At least not as fast I my wife and I would hope.  As I’ve been observing her and contemplating solutions to this problem, I realized something today… selfishness impedes service.  What do I mean?

When you’re in charge of someone else, and their entire well-being stems from your actions, it’s plain to see that they not only rely on you to make good decisions, but to be at their service.  This isn’t to say that I wait hand-and-foot on my children, but it means that my daughters, especially when ill, need me to be selfless in regards to them.  And, I want to be a servant-leader for my family and for the world, which requires me to continually learn how to better serve them.  I look at my life and realize (quite often) how selfish I can be.  I like what I like, the way I like it, when I like it, how I like it.  This gets in the way of my ability to truly serve my family.

Where did my selfish tendencies come from?  Besides my fallen human nature, my tendency toward selfishness stems from my past pornography use.  It made everything I do, even serving my sickly little girl, about me.  Because of this revelation, I realized that the only way to do that is to look to the cross.  I must unite my failures in life to the struggle Christ experienced on the cross so that I am purified of my tendency toward comfort, self-pleasure and ease.  My little girl needs me to be one hundred percent committed to taking care of her and if I don’t watch it, I’ll put myself before her, falling into old patterns and losing sight of the cross.  If this happens, my selfishness has won and drastically impedes my ability to serve.

I urge everyone to take a step back, especially during Holy Week, to evaluate the areas in your life (vicious behavior) that require change.  Figure out how to change those things and continue to work on them until you possess the virtue that overcomes that vice.

Man up!

Financial Decisions

Something that has been facing our family over the past few weeks and will continue to be a “hot topic” with us is our finances.  We’ve made certain decisions that have and will lead to certain other decisions which have certain consequences, and so on.  (Being vague… a graduate degree, family vacations over the summer, working part-time, daycare, etc.).  For us, when it comes to finances, we always look at the big picture.  The big picture shows us where we really are and what we really have… therefore, we know what we can really afford. 

If I, as the husband and father, had a compulsive spending habit or made rash and/or imprudent decisions with money, I would be taking away from the welfare of the family.  If this happened, I’d be setting the precedent for my wife and children, telling them that overspending, quick-spending, unnecessary spending, etc. is acceptable.  “If Daddy does it, it must be okay.”  It’s an important role to play in the family, playing the role of the CFO.  The way that I stay sane and “with it” on our finances is that I discuss all purchases, decisions, investments, savings and future plans with my wife.  She and I make up a great team that balances the budget, spends wisely, never has a deficit and has a sizable surplus.  We shop sales, use coupons and use techniques of bargaining to get the best prices possible.  My next post will be about how to save money in big and little ways.

I know many people that have big-time struggles with their finances and honestly, I believe it comes down to one of three things.  Either, they are 1. Ignorant about Money and don’t understand how it works for/against them or 2. they are lying to themselves about what they can afford or eventually pay off or possibly 3. They have an unhealthy idea of what life is about (vanity usually comes in play here).  If you have struggles with money, make today the last day that you make bad choices.  You hold the power.  Get some financial help from a professional until you are capable of making good decisions on your own again.  Make a budget, stick to the budget.  Make a plan for the future, make it happen.  Take charge of your life, don’t let money rule you. 

One belief that I hold very strongly is the belief that “if you give, God will repay you many times over”.  The idea of generosity is becoming so foreign to our culture – where most people in society are simply out for themselves.  I strongly believe that if people were more generous with their spoils, God would be more generous with them and in the end, they’d have more spoils and overall, a happier, more fulfilling life (because of giving and being blessed, not because they have money or “stuff”).  For us, we make serious decisions about who we donate to.  In just about every case, it’s to a Catholic-based organization, parish or group.  Want some ideas of who to donate to?  Check out FOCUS (Fellowship of Catholic University Students) out of Denver, CO, VirtueMedia out of Arizona, your local parish and/or your local diocese.  If you’re feeling really generous and want to help pay for my master’s, I’d be delighted to accept it! 

Man up!

7 Days of Virtue; Day 1 – Prudence

Think of virtues like your muscles.  You work you muscles out so that they can perform for you when needed.  Virtue is the same way.  You practice, work on the virtue and then, when the time comes, the virtue is there and ready.

Day 1 of the 7 Day Journey through the Virtues: DAY 1 – PRUDENCE.

Prudence is wisdom for practical everyday life.  This means that you take practical knowledge and right reason and you use them to make decisions throughout your day. 

“Knowing how to do the right thing, at the right time in the right way.” 

Prudence directs all of the other virtues; therefore, we must always have the end in mind so that prudence can guide us to our goal.  There are three sub-virtues to Prudence; 1. Counsel 2. Judgement 3. Decisiveness.  Counsel is gathering information to make a good decision.  (You seek help in making your decisions.)  Judgement is sort of like being a court judge; you gather information using counsel and then you weigh that information.  Decisiveness is the action that you take after counsel and judgement.

Prudence comes down to choices and actions.  Our choices are incredibly important, thus we must know what to do, how to do it and when to do it.  Being prudent means that you react out of knowledge and information, not out of emotion, impulse or passion.  Being prudent means that you have given the choice a good deal of thought.  Being prudent means that you aren’t afraid to commit to a decision.

If you want to grow in the virtue of prudence, practice being prudent. (Practice seeking counsel, making good judgements and being decisive.  You must also pray that God presents you with opportunities to receive grace so that you may become prudent.)

Man up!